How To Tell If You're A Secret Redneck Jedi

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

Top 21 things NOT to say to a cop when pulled over

21. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

20. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

19. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

18. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

17. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police
officer.

16. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

15. Bad cop. No donut.

14. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

12. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
mcdonalds.

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around,
that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my
lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out
of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

Curiosity gets the Priest

A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.

The priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom is?"

"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing only a fig leaf."

"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.
The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located.

After a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"

"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"

"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.

"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"

Disorder In The Court

Disorder in the court:

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the difficult job of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
_____________________________________



Keep Healthy. Use Certified Organic Herbs.

A Trip To Costco

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.


Organically Grown Herbs

Sweet Taters

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. These people are called "Spec Taters".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted in finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell other people what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot, too sour, too cold, too weak. These people are called "Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never seem to get around to doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters".

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they're not. They are called "Emma Taters".

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Taters".

Now you know all there is to know about Taters!