Born Free....Taxed To Death
Conserve Toilet Paper; Use Both Sides
Don't Steal. The Government Hates Competition
I Love Cats. They Taste Just Like Chicken
My Kid Is An Honor Student. And My President Is An Idiot
Be Nice To America, Or We'll Bring Democracy To Your Country
Vegetarians Do It With Relish(But Wear A Condiment)
Insatiable Is Not Sustainable
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Eye Love You
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Spelling Bee's Are About To Get Simpler
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British and American government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement. Consequently, they have adopted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as European English (Euro for short). In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c.”
Sertainly sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard “c” will be replased with “k.” Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased by “f.” This will make words like “fotograf” 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will encourage the removal of double leters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful and they woud go. By the fourth year peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v.” During ze fifz yer, ze unesasary “o” kan be droped from vords containing “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinatins of leters.
Und after ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vonted in ze first plas.
As part of the negotiations, the British and American government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement. Consequently, they have adopted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as European English (Euro for short). In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c.”
Sertainly sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard “c” will be replased with “k.” Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased by “f.” This will make words like “fotograf” 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will encourage the removal of double leters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful and they woud go. By the fourth year peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v.” During ze fifz yer, ze unesasary “o” kan be droped from vords containing “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinatins of leters.
Und after ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vonted in ze first plas.
Monday, February 14, 2011
The Big Bug
One quiet evening at home, a man’s doorbell rang. He opened the door to find a six-foot-tall cockroach standing outside. The cockroach quickly punched him between the eyes and scuttled away.
The next evening the doorbell rang again. The man opened the door to find the cockroach was back. This time the big bug punched him, kicked him, and karate-chopped him before racing away.
On the third evening, the cockroach was back yet again. When the man opened the door, it jumped at him and stabbed him several times before running off.
Although gravely injured, he managed to crawl to the telephone and call for an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, and his life was saved. The doctor came to visit him during morning rounds the following day and asked him what had happened. The man explained about the cockroach’s attacks and the stabbing that almost killed him.
After a moment’s thought, the doctor said, "Yes, I hear there’s a nasty bug going around.
The next evening the doorbell rang again. The man opened the door to find the cockroach was back. This time the big bug punched him, kicked him, and karate-chopped him before racing away.
On the third evening, the cockroach was back yet again. When the man opened the door, it jumped at him and stabbed him several times before running off.
Although gravely injured, he managed to crawl to the telephone and call for an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, and his life was saved. The doctor came to visit him during morning rounds the following day and asked him what had happened. The man explained about the cockroach’s attacks and the stabbing that almost killed him.
After a moment’s thought, the doctor said, "Yes, I hear there’s a nasty bug going around.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Bumper Snickers
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
This truck is protected by an anti-social Doberman.
Is there life after death? Mess with the Rednecks truck and find out!
Thank God Ford doesn't make airplanes!
I don't like tailgaters, that's why I'm speeding.
If I go any faster I'll burn out my hamster!
Do me a favor...Steal this car.
Boldly going nowhere
Caution! Driver texting!
This truck is protected by an anti-social Doberman.
Is there life after death? Mess with the Rednecks truck and find out!
Thank God Ford doesn't make airplanes!
I don't like tailgaters, that's why I'm speeding.
If I go any faster I'll burn out my hamster!
Do me a favor...Steal this car.
Boldly going nowhere
Caution! Driver texting!
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