Alternative Medical Dictionary

Alzheimer's disease
Ahhh...ummm...sorry, it's gone again.

Amenorrhoea
The result of spending too much time in Church. A couple of week's in Vegas usually eliminates the symptoms. Long-term sufferers might like to consider an atheistic future.

Ankylosis
Literally "lost ankles". This condition was unknown in Western society before the fitness fanaticism of the 1980s took hold. It usually affects those jogging junkies who like to run on hard surfaces and "go the extra mile".
The good news for those afflicted is that plastic replacement ankles will have you back on the road in no time.

Antibodies
A term used to describe a particular body shape. It refers to people who look a bit like...well...an ant. Women described as having a "wasp-like" waist would fall into this category.

Anti-cancer drugs
Used by pest exterminators to get rid of ant infestations by giving the little buggers cancer. Animal rights groups, who have tried to have the drugs banned, think there must be a "quicker, more humane method".

Anti-depressant drugs
As above. These drugs make the ants so depressed they just want to end it all.

Anti-diuretic drugs
With this group, the affected ants die of dehydration due to constant urination. Can be a bit messy.

Anti-psychotic drugs
Our personal favorite . These ones turn the ants into mini psycho-killers, thus wiping themselves out.

Arrhythmia
People with this condition find it impossible to sing or play a musical instrument. Fortunately, sufferers can still have a career in the modern music industry, as neither skill is a prerequisite.

Ataxia
A mental disorder that affects most of the adult population at the same time each year. The principal symptoms are depression and anxiety. Conversely, one small, shadowy group—the accountants—seem to thrive at this time. During this brief period, they can occasionally be seen smiling and, sometimes, even mingling with the general population.

Auto-immunity
This is particularly bad for car manufacturers. It is characterized as a resistance to advertisers' claims of the necessity to buy a new car every couple of years. Outcomes include excess wealth.

Bilateral hysterosalpingo-oophorectomy
Nobody knows what this means, but all doctors like to throw into the conversation from time to time.

Billings Method
A technique used by doctors to ensure payment of their accounts. Patients are forced to undergo periodic abstinence from all medical services until the bills are paid.

Breast mice
Benign rodents that live inside some women's breasts. Their removal is unnecessary unless the woman is uncomfortable with being labeled a "freak of nature" by her judgmental lovers.

Breech birth
This occurs when easily-embarrassed babies are born wearing "breeches", which they have somehow created out of placental material. Relatively common among some of the stricter religious faiths.

Candidiasis
A psychological condition in which the sufferer can not help but tell the truth. These people lack the normal tendency of lying to keep social interactions operating smoothly. Apart from ostracism, those affected are also likely to incur physical trauma such as lacerations, bruising, and gunshot wounds.

Catatonia
The atonal wailing sound made by the tone-deaf when attempting to sing. See Arrhythmia

Cerebral hemorrhage
The thinking man's hemorrhage.

Chocolate cyst
The most popular of all the cysts—especially among children. Unfortunately, they have been linked to both tooth decay and obesity. On the positive side, they have been successful in the treatment of mild depression (at least, until the obesity kicks in).

Club-foot
The inevitable result of too many nights on the dance-club floor. A simple remedy for this ailment is marriage.

Coxsackievirus
It might be just another virus, but it gets our vote for having the most interesting name.

Crabs
Delicious marine crustacean that occasionally escapes predators by hiding in people's pubic hair.

Cushing's syndrome
An irrational fear of vampires, werewolves, bodies made out of spare parts, mummies, and other miscellaneous characters from B-grade horror movies. Caused by sitting through too many late-night "creature feature" movie marathons.
Can be cured by spending a weekend in the local haunted house, accompanied by a gadget-equipped scientist, a lusty blonde, a brooding tough guy with a mysterious past, and an odd gangly youth with wild staring eyes and an interest in necrophilia.

Delirium
An acute disturbance of brain function resulting in confusion, agitation, and, in severe cases, delusions and hallucinations. Often associated with Ataxia and post-Christmas-sale shopping trips.

Diabetes insipidus
A form of diabetes that only affects uninteresting people.

Diabetes mellitus
A real man's diabetes.

Donovanosis (granuloma inguinale)
A sexually transmitted disease associated with the late 1960s hippy "scene". Also known as "Mellow Yellow". People should be wary of a strangely attired man calling himself the "Hurdy Gurdy Man".

Dyspepsia
A type of indigestion brought on by over-consumption of one particular brand of fizzy cola beverage.

Elephantiasis
A strange birth defect in which the sufferer has a body part that would be more in keeping with an elephant, rather than a human. Some get big feet, the well-known "Elephant Man" had the trunk, and, of course, male porn stars...

Enema
A torture device introduced by the Spanish Inquisition, to whom just about everybody was "the enema". Doctors continue the tradition into the modern age.

Ewing's sarcoma
A melodramatic type of cancer, which is particularly prevalent among oil barons in Dallas, Texas.

"Fight or flight" response
The body's automatic response to physical or emotional stress.

"Fight on flight" response
A drunk rock band's automatic response to having their alcohol supply cut off when on an airplane.

Flat feet
This supposed "ailment" is all good news: no military call-up, and ready employment as a clown.

Galactorrhoea
A sexually transmitted disease that was first detected shortly after 1947. It has since spread in an ever-widening circle, centered on Roswell, New Mexico.

Ganglion cyst
The most ungainly member of the cyst family.

German measles
A very methodical and well-organized strain of measles, which is prone to frequent outbreaks of attempted world-domination.

Gigantism
The childhood growth disorder that produces the best basketball players.

Glue ear
Self-inflicted deafness brought about by repeated bouts of ear cleaning with a glue stick.

Gluten intolerance
Narrow-minded viewpoint held by a, thankfully, small minority within our society.

Golfer's elbow
Painful condition resulting from too much bending of the elbow at the "nineteenth" green.

Hookworm
Fishermen prize this worm above all others.

Horner's syndrome
The development of the socially inappropriate compulsion of sticking a finger into pies and puddings in public eating places.

Hysteria
The funniest illness of them all.

Irritable bowel syndrome
A condition that may develop when a bowel has had a real gut-full of all the shit it has to deal with.

Islets of Langerhans
A group of small islands in the Caribbean with very liberal tax laws. Popular haven for wealthy doctors.

Jock itch
The allergic reaction some people have when in the presence of a Scotsman.

Keyhole surgery
The term used by young doctors to describe their late-night attempts to break into the nurses' dormitories after having a few too many drinks.

Lazy eye
An increasingly prevalent condition among our children. Due to the vast number of hours spent in front of television and video screens, their eyes have become fat, lazy, and almost useless.
Unless this trend can be reversed, they will all be legally blind by their forties—and then who will look after us in our dotage?

Lipectomy
The latest cosmetic surgery craze. It involves the removal of one, or both, lips in an attempt to give one a more attractive smile. Opinion is still divided on the operation's success.

Lockjaw
A surgical procedure, now outlawed in most US states, whereby a husband had the right to have a locking mechanism installed on his wife's jaw (it was claimed to be sanctioned by the Bible). This enabled him to be able to choose when she was allowed to speak. To be fair, most husbands only exercised their prerogative when put under extreme nagging stress. But, thanks to the lefty liberals, that's all gone now.

Megacolon
A condition where the colon (large bowel) becomes grossly distended. This, of course, leads to the socially embarrassing (or socially applauded, depending on your social group) side-effect known as megafarting.

Middle ear infection
This is rarely seen; mainly because most people only have a left and a right ear. But for those lucky enough to have one in the middle, watch out, because it might get infected.

Metrorrhagia
A rage reaction brought on by modern city living. It is caused by a combination of the crowds, the noise, the traffic jams, and the difficulty in finding a decent cup of coffee. It is a much more intense reaction than, say, road rage, as emphasized by the "rrh" sound in the pronunciation.

Myxomatosis
A birth defect characterized by the toes being placed in an unusual order. For example, the big toe may be in the middle, the "pinky" may be promoted to the head of the lineup, etc.
Those afflicted can lead relatively normal lives, however, they need to be careful in their choice of footwear, and parents should be on the lookout for bullying during the school years.
Not good news for rabbits, either.

Night blindness
The inability to see adequately in dim light. Researchers suggest it is caused by either a degeneration of the retina or by a deficiency of Vitamin A. In actuality it is caused by there being less light at night due to the sun having gone down.

Night terrors
This is when a person wakes in terror, screaming and flailing. It has been shown statistically that the occurrence among adults correlates strongly with the receipt of a medical bill earlier that day.

Occult blood examination
An examination only performed at night by a well-dressed gentleman with a European accent.

Opportunistic infection
A general term for all the spam e-mail, telemarketing, door-to-door canvassing, and newspaper advertising that tries to convince us to buy into get-rich-quick schemes.

Oral contraception
This is said to occur when one of the participants in a planned sexual liaison decide to abort the procedure based on what they are hearing come out of the mouth of the other participant.

Orf
A viral skin infection that affects the hands or forearms of people working with sheep and goats—no, really!

Parasympathetic nervous system
The automatic response system that kicks in when, for example, you are sitting next to a bore on a train, who is going on and on about something terrible in their life. Although you nod and grunt sympathetically, you are actually dreaming about the man/woman across the aisle.

Parotitis
An inflammation and hardening of the upper lip, resulting in a beak-like appearance. Sometimes accompanied by a bright coloration of the hair and a hankering for sunflower seeds.

Paroxysmal atrial tachycardia
A rapid speeding up of the heartbeat. Often due to strenuous "exercise". I think we all know what I'm talking about here.

Pernicious anemia
The nastiest of all the anemias.

Phantom pain
Those who mess with "the ghost who walks" will be familiar with this pain.

Photosensitivity
People with this condition usually try to hide when approached by someone wielding a loaded camera. They can also be identified by their cries of, "No, go away...I look terrible!" or, "No...I haven't washed my hair for ages!".

Postcoital test
This is often used by a woman to see whether her partner really does love her after all. It may consist of a request for a cup of tea or coffee, or for a redeclaration of feelings that were expressed "before".

Rett syndrome
Sufferers of this condition lose the ability to care about anything. In answer to any question, they simply reply, "My dear, I don't give a damn".

Rumortoid arthritis
A psychological condition in which sufferers tell people that they have arthritis, despite having no physical symptoms, in an effort to elicit a sympathetic response.
Unfortunately, the rumor-monger rarely gets any real support because invariably the listener's parasympathetic nervous system switches on.

Rhinophyma
A large bony horn that grows on an affected person's forehead. Carriers of this genetic mutation are rarely seen anymore as they have been hunted almost to the point of extinction—the horn being prized in certain communities as an enhancer of male sexual potency.

Shock treatment
That mind-numbing moment when you look at your latest medical bill.

Short-sightedness
Not having taken out more medical insurance.

Side effect
Having to sell a kidney to cover your bill.

St Vitus' dance
Annual shebang celebrated by doctors worldwide in honor of their patron saint, and the amount of money they have made in the previous year.

Stool examination
The name given to the final examination in medical school. If a student passes, he gets a license to print money, otherwise it is back to the drawing board for another year. Obviously, because of the enormous amount of anxiety involved, a student will often visit the toilet on the morning of the exam—hence the name.

Stye
Normally a place where pigs and teenagers live. So, you want to hope that you don't get one of these in your eye on the night of a big date.

Swimmer's itch
A very itchy inflammation that may result from swimming in polluted water. For prevention, avoid having a swim at pool parties where the guests are drinking heavily, yet staying in the water for a real long time.

Tonometry
The ancient practice of toe measuring as a diagnostic tool for health assessment. Western medicine is yet to come up with a better alternative.

Tourette's syndrome
A great excuse for being able to use obscenities wherever and at whomever you want. Known in legal circles as the "Tourette's defense".

Vacuum extraction
Sometimes when that baby just does not want to come out, the obstetrician has no option but to call on the cleaning lady and her industrial-strength, wet/dry vacuum cleaner.

Vesicle
A small motorised vehicle used by emergency staff to quickly move around large hospitals. Although officially discouraged, drunken vesicle races are a mainstay of St Vitus' day celebrations.

Whiplash injury
A common workplace injury among B&D dungeon workers.

A Tale You Won't Want To Miss

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't
got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to
the gate.

" McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over
his shoulder.
" Waddington-Smith , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it
under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."


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