In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a
few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask,
'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's
usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with
you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. " Of
course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they
think they can get away with it."

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what
it's like to be unappreciated..

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than
her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if
you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to
wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,
it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman
over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool
of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against
marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire
pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!


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Frozen Crabs And The Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs

and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.


He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them

staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a

lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she

let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.


Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce

to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New

Orleans, please raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.


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Who's In Charge

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

36 have been accused of spousal abuse
12 have been arrested for fraud
25 have been accused of writing bad checks
264 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
5 have done time for assault
78 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
19 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
33 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. Aren't you glad you're American? Click HERE to see the current U.S. debt.


Health. Do You Have Yours?

The Less You Know, The More You Make

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.

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The Memory Class

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"


Health Tips

Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


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Crazy Patients

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"


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Goodbye To Mother

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"


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A Recollection Of The Past

My wife and I were sitting
at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'

'My Gosh!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started(some men are like that)...


Are You New Car Qualified?

The Dog

A gentleman in a hotel came down one morning for breakfast. As he was consuming his meal, he noticed the hotel dog constantly watching him.

He asked the hotel manager: "Why does your dog watch me eat?

Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

Generous Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Potential Humor From Those In The Know

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
~Clarence Darrow

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
~Bill Maher

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
~Ernest Hemingway

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
~Quentin Crisp

There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
~Benjamin Spock

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
~Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
~Phyllis Diller


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Real News Headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter


Health Tips

Strictly For Women Who Need A Smile

Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car..
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!
(By the way....we're not promoting Jiffy Lube on this blog)


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