Life In 2009

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, send this to your friends. You know you want to. ha ha ha ha.


Want Some Inspiration?

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic............................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate...........................To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester...........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula...........................A small lie.
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...........................I knew it.
Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.......................Damn near killed him.
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet.........................A small table.
Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................More than one.
Urine..........................Opposite of mine.
Varicose......................Near by/close by

Dumb as a box of Rocks

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote and their vote equals ours and they also reproduce!

Childlike Innocence

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say."

So our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


Do You Drive To & From Work Everday? Get Boring? Here's A Way To Keep It Entertaining.

You May Be A Redneck IF.......

You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

You think the Bud Bowl is real.

Your dog goes "oink!"

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

You know how to milk a goat.

Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.

Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.

Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

You have a refrigerator just for beer.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."

You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.


What Can YOU Do To Protect Your Health?

Instructions for Giving Your Cat a Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take away taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash down pill.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to order new table.


Need A New Car? Try This!

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto!
The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink. <--Ok, this is just
wrong.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a
hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what
The Rules of Life really are:

1. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it
moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

2. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

3. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You
have another chance!

And finally...

4. Be really good to your family and friends You
never know when you are going to need them to empty
your bedpan.

"Thought for the Day: Our days are happier when we
give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind.

Work Related

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Inasmuch as the earth is 2/3 water and 1/3 land, it is clear that our time should be divided. 2/3 fishing and 1/3 work.

Quote from the Boss: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

The world is full of willing people -- some willing to work and some willing to let them. -Robert Frost

There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.


The Cure. Inexpensive Health.

The Colonoscopy

ABOUT THE WRITER


Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
the Miami
Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:



I called my friend Andy Sable,
a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his
office, Andy showed me a color diagram of
the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one
point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO
STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP
YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with
some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which
comes in a box large
enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later;
for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
fall into the hands
of America*s enemies.


I spent the next several days
productively sitting around being
nervous.


;
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with
less flavor.



Then, in the evening, I took
the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill
it with lukewarm
water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a
liter is about 32
gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This
takes about an hour,
because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep,
clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a
loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying
that after you jump off your roof, you
may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.
I don't want to be too graphic,
here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much
the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
times when you
wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several
hours pretty much
confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can
tell, your bowels
travel into the future and start eliminating food that you
have not even
eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening,
I finally got to sleep.



The next morning my wife drove
me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
Not only was I
worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
thinking, 'What if I
spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend
for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign
many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then
they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
where I went inside
a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on
one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
that, when you put
it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are
actually naked.



Then a nurse named Eddie put a
little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was
very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some
people put vodka in their
MoviPrep.



At first I was ticked off that
I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose
Mode. You would
have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready,
Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see
the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point.



Andy had me roll over on my
left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.



There was music playing in the
room, and I realized that the song
was 'Dancing Queen'
by ABBA. I remarked to Andy
that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure,
'Dancing Queen' had to be
the least appropriate.



'You want me to turn it
up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.



'Ha ha,' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are
squeamish, prepare yourself,
because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly
what it was
like.



I have no idea.
Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA
was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
mellow mood.



Andy was looking down at me and
asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told
me that It was all
over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I
have never been
prouder of an internal organ.



On the subject of
Colonoscopies...



Colonoscopies are no joke, but
these comments during the exam were
quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following
are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he
was performing
their colonoscopies:



1. 'Take it easy, Doc.
You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!'



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart
yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me
NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are
we there yet? Are we there yet?'



5. 'You know, in Arkansas,
we're now legally married.'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped
miners, Chief?'



7. 'You put your left hand
in; you take your left hand out....'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a
Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand
doesn't fit, you must quit!'



10. 'Hey Doc, let me know
if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an
executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I
am not gay.'




And the best one of all:



13. 'Could you write a note
for my wife saying that my head is not
up there?'


Inspirational Quotes

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)


Internet TV. Is It For You?

Money Got You Down?

The economy is so bad.......... ....


1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

3. Hot wheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM cars.

4. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 -ouncer.

5. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

6. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

7. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

8. Motel Six won't leave the light on.

9. The Mafia is laying off judges.

10. When bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds" you have to call and ask if they meant you or them.


Revitalize Your Body And Mind

Tomatoes

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie


Aromatherapy At It's Best