Three men were hiking through a forest...when they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.
Poof!!!
God gave him big arms and strong legs...and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours,having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof!!!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs...
and he was able to row across in about an hour fter almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men,the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof!!!
HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream...
and walked across the bridge
Guys, if at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!
Words Of Health
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Moose Hunters
Two Polish hunters from Cleveland hired a pilot to fly them to Canada
to hunt moose. They bagged four.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot
tells them the plane can take only two moose.
The two Poles objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four
moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as
yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded..
Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck, Stanisilaw asked Wladek,
"Any idea where we are?"
Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Brain Food For Everyone Here
to hunt moose. They bagged four.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot
tells them the plane can take only two moose.
The two Poles objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four
moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as
yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded..
Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck, Stanisilaw asked Wladek,
"Any idea where we are?"
Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Brain Food For Everyone Here
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
College Cowboy
A young cowboy from Melville, Saskatchewan goes off to college..
Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Regina that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $1,000,' the young cowboy says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $2,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the Blue Sky Café and Tavern?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a b---- before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Aromatherapy At Its Finest
Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Regina that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $1,000,' the young cowboy says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $2,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the Blue Sky Café and Tavern?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a b---- before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Aromatherapy At Its Finest
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Machine
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLYGIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,
'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL ANd ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO '..
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLYGIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,
'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL ANd ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO '..
Monday, March 15, 2010
Teacher's Pet
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a Bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the Teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop And asked, " Champagne ?.
"No," said the little boy.... "It's a puppy."
The florist's son brought the teacher a Bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the Teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop And asked, " Champagne ?.
"No," said the little boy.... "It's a puppy."
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Songs Of Years Gone By......
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba---
Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And Last but NOT least:
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again
They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba---
Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And Last but NOT least:
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again
Monday, March 8, 2010
Good Thing Medical Professionals Are Human. Humor Is Important.
1. A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
' Which one ?'. . . I asked.'
'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted b y Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . ... . . . . . . ..
8.. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?
'She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . . 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Dr. wouldn't submit his name...
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
' Which one ?'. . . I asked.'
'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted b y Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . ... . . . . . . ..
8.. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?
'She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . . 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Dr. wouldn't submit his name...
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