Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Don't Ever Do This!
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her
and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but
I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's
a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he
says insistently..
Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes
him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and
smiles. "The airbag."
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her
and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but
I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's
a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he
says insistently..
Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes
him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and
smiles. "The airbag."
Monday, January 18, 2010
Redneck Humor
A redneck may have worked on your computer if: The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Someone might be using your email account if: Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and you now owe them $71,000 and change.
Did your computer get the Obama virus? Every program gets hacked, your bank account is drained to exhaustion, all your friends think Limbaugh is a superstar, and there is no cure.
You have an internet addiction if: You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading".
You may have bought a bad computer if: The lower corner of the screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
You have an internet addiction if: Your husband tells you he's had the beard for two months.
A redneck may have worked on your computer if: The password was changed to "huntin".
Someone might be using your email account if: Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and you now owe them $71,000 and change.
Did your computer get the Obama virus? Every program gets hacked, your bank account is drained to exhaustion, all your friends think Limbaugh is a superstar, and there is no cure.
You have an internet addiction if: You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading".
You may have bought a bad computer if: The lower corner of the screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
You have an internet addiction if: Your husband tells you he's had the beard for two months.
A redneck may have worked on your computer if: The password was changed to "huntin".
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
How To Avoid Getting Hired
Your resume is a carefully crafted chronicle of what you've achieved....and how indispensible you'll be to prospective employers. That's what it's supposed to be anyway. This list of real life resume bloopers appeared in Fortune Magazine.....
"I demand a salary commiserate of my extensive experience."
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Reason for leaving last job: Maturity Leave."
"Wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions."(a congressman/woman?)
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah', over my experience."
"You'll want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"I procrastinate, especially when the job is unpleasant."
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"Finished 8th in my class of ten."
"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."(current/recent u.s. president(s)?)
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"I demand a salary commiserate of my extensive experience."
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Reason for leaving last job: Maturity Leave."
"Wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions."(a congressman/woman?)
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah', over my experience."
"You'll want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"I procrastinate, especially when the job is unpleasant."
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"Finished 8th in my class of ten."
"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."(current/recent u.s. president(s)?)
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
Sunday, January 10, 2010
More Bumper Stickers
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy
Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk
Ax Me About Ebonics
Back the badge
Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
BARBIE AIN'T HERE!.
Be Human.
Be nice society already sucks.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be Nice To Your Kids; They’ll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.
Be the kind of friend you'd want.
Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865.
Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.
Beer: making woman look better since 1965.
Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy
Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk
Ax Me About Ebonics
Back the badge
Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
BARBIE AIN'T HERE!.
Be Human.
Be nice society already sucks.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be Nice To Your Kids; They’ll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.
Be the kind of friend you'd want.
Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865.
Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.
Beer: making woman look better since 1965.
Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Bumper Stickers
Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.
All stressed out and nobody to choke!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It!
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!
Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Scores Of Ebook Categories. Sell Them And Profit!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.
All stressed out and nobody to choke!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It!
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!
Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Scores Of Ebook Categories. Sell Them And Profit!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Ways To Confuse, Worry, and Annoy Others In The Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face & scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" & bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you with an evil eye.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
18. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
19. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
20. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
21. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
22. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
23. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
24. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
25. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
26. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
27. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
28. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
29. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
30. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
31. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
32. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
33. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
34. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
35. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
36. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
37. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
38. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
39. Stare at the person's next to your screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
40. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
41. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
42. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
43. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
44. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
The Most Complete Success Coaching Course Ever!
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you with an evil eye.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
18. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
19. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
20. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
21. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
22. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
23. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
24. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
25. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
26. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
27. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
28. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
29. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
30. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
31. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
32. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
33. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
34. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
35. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
36. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
37. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
38. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
39. Stare at the person's next to your screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
40. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
41. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
42. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
43. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
44. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
The Most Complete Success Coaching Course Ever!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
