Signs

Sign on a plumbers truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

Sign on a plumbers truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

Sign in fire station: This is non-smoking area. If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

Sign on plastic surgeon's office door: We can help you pick your nose.

Sign on electrician's truck: Let us help you remove your shorts.

Sign on radiator shop: Best place to take a leak.

Sign on pet store door: Buy one dog; get one flea.

Learning To Pay Attention

First year med students were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body, which was covered by a white sheet.

The professor started the class by saying:
"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, suck his finger into the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said:
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."


Find Inspirational Quotes Here

Negative Attitudes

Getting up in the morning ruins my day.

Death on the job will not be tolerated.

Have a nice day, but don't flaunt it.

The photo on your ID badge is even worse than your drivers license.

Any day that starts with commuting and ends with commuting sucks.

Absence makes the boss grow madder.

In my case JOB is not a word, but a very long sentence.

Tomorrow is another day, and boy, do I hope it's better than this one.


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Great Quotes By Great Ladies!

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened ~ Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between 10 and 70 ~ Helen Hayes, at 73

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows ~ Janette Barber

When women get depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country ~ Elayne Booster

Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman ~ Maryanne Pearson

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

The Laws Of Cartoon Physics

Cartoon Law I.

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
aware of its situation.

~ Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle
of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II.

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
suddenly intervenes.

~ Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III.

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.

~ Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV.

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

~ Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture
it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V.

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

~ Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or
the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is
running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI.

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

~ This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the
cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This
effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or
being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-
replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off
walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII.

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
tunnel entrances; others cannot.

~ This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but
at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a
wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue
him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened
against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.
This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII.

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

~ Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional
nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated,
spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled,
but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking
self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX.

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

~ This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
applies to the physical world at large. For that reason,
we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.


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Quotes For Thought

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
— Oscar Levant

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
— Mark Twain

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

"Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry."
— Terry Pratchett (Thief of Time)

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
— Groucho Marx

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."
— Orson Welles

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
— George Burns


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Office Terms

Boss spelled backwards is a double SOB.

Businessman's lunch is something to hold down a couple of martinis.

Paying peanuts means you get monkeys.

Golf is simply an excuse to have the flu.

Office snoop is simply an automatic teller.

Motivators are cheerleaders in sweater vests.

*****If you aren't feeling guilty you must be an overachiever*****

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