George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

At my age flowers scare me.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.



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Washington Wives

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.



The first man had married a woman from Oregon:

He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and
house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to see a clean house and clean dishes.



The second man had married a woman from California:

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his saw a clean
house, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.



The third man had married an Washington girl:

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for
every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a
bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.


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