A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.
The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.
The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"
Christmas Is Coming. Give This Great Gift!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
College Rules
There is a teacher speaking in front of a group of boy college freshmen about the college rules. The teacher starts talking about the dorm rooms.
"If you get caught in a girls dorm room after nine o'clock, you will get a fifty dollar fine. If you get caught twice, you get a hundred dollar fine. If you get caught three times, you get a two hundred-fifty dollar fine and suspension for a week at the least."
So a boy raises his hand and asks, "How much for a yearly pass?"
"If you get caught in a girls dorm room after nine o'clock, you will get a fifty dollar fine. If you get caught twice, you get a hundred dollar fine. If you get caught three times, you get a two hundred-fifty dollar fine and suspension for a week at the least."
So a boy raises his hand and asks, "How much for a yearly pass?"
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Four Catholic Mothers
Off the wall humor???
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how
wonderful their children are.
The first mother tells her friends,"My son is a priest. When he walks into a
room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son
is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women
give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2",
hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how
wonderful their children are.
The first mother tells her friends,"My son is a priest. When he walks into a
room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son
is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women
give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2",
hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Witty Sayings
1) One of the best feelings in the world is emptying your pockets in the evening, and knowing you can leave all the junk there until the next day.
2) Those who have guinea pigs never have to throw out any vegetables.
3) If you wear a silly hat, everyone knows who you are.
4) No one likes a smartass
4') Especially another smartass.
4") Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.
5) Arguing with a zealot is only slightly easier than tunneling through a mountain with your forehead.
6) Anyone capable of getting themselves elected president has shown that they should not be allowed to do the job. (Apologies to Douglas Adams)
7) Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. (Isaac Asmiov)
8) Right, because usually the compentent don't wait that long. (Jerry Pournelle)
9) Once is chance, twice is a coincidence, three times is an enemy action. (Ian Fleming, Goldfinger)
10) Never turn your back on a charging turtle.
11) Never get in a spitting contest with a llama.
12) Projectile vomiting rarely gets you a return invitation anywhere.
13) Never throw toilet paper on a bear.
14) Hyenas laugh becasue they know what's coming next.
15) Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot more fun than it sounds.
15') Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else.
16) Calling your mother and pretending to be an encyclopedia salesman doesn't go over too well.
17) The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.
18) He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.
2) Those who have guinea pigs never have to throw out any vegetables.
3) If you wear a silly hat, everyone knows who you are.
4) No one likes a smartass
4') Especially another smartass.
4") Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.
5) Arguing with a zealot is only slightly easier than tunneling through a mountain with your forehead.
6) Anyone capable of getting themselves elected president has shown that they should not be allowed to do the job. (Apologies to Douglas Adams)
7) Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. (Isaac Asmiov)
8) Right, because usually the compentent don't wait that long. (Jerry Pournelle)
9) Once is chance, twice is a coincidence, three times is an enemy action. (Ian Fleming, Goldfinger)
10) Never turn your back on a charging turtle.
11) Never get in a spitting contest with a llama.
12) Projectile vomiting rarely gets you a return invitation anywhere.
13) Never throw toilet paper on a bear.
14) Hyenas laugh becasue they know what's coming next.
15) Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot more fun than it sounds.
15') Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else.
16) Calling your mother and pretending to be an encyclopedia salesman doesn't go over too well.
17) The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.
18) He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Excuses From Parents For Absent Students
1. John was absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
2. Chris has acre in his side.
3. Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.
4. Mary Ann was absent Dec 11-12 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick with fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either; sore throat and fever. there must be the flu going around; her father even got hot last night.
5. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. Please execute him.
6. Please exuse Joey friday. He has loose vowels.
7. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell out of a tree and misplaced her hip.
8. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines.
9. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
10. John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
~Courtesy of Bev Feighner, Tacoma School District
2. Chris has acre in his side.
3. Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.
4. Mary Ann was absent Dec 11-12 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick with fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either; sore throat and fever. there must be the flu going around; her father even got hot last night.
5. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. Please execute him.
6. Please exuse Joey friday. He has loose vowels.
7. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell out of a tree and misplaced her hip.
8. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines.
9. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
10. John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
~Courtesy of Bev Feighner, Tacoma School District
Sunday, November 22, 2009
To Catch a Rabbit
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
WHY WOMEN SHOULD NOT TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter
from the local Walmart.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMT's were
called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. And last, but certainly not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
clerks passed out.
Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter
from the local Walmart.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMT's were
called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. And last, but certainly not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
clerks passed out.
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