The Thunderstorm

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice: "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
sissy."



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The only Terrorist-Proof Airline in the business where we can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !

Yes, here at NAKED AIRLINES we care about SAFETY
- AND IT SHOWS.


What Would Happen If You Truly Believed?

The Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver
walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.


The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son: "Go get your mother."!!!!!!


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You know you're a redneck when........

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
3. Your boat has not left your driveway in 15 years.
4. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
5. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
6. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
7. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
8. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
9. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
10. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
11. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
12. You have a rag for a gas cap.
13. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
14. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
15. You consider your licence plate personalized because your father made it.
16. Your lifetime goal is to open a fireworks stand.
17. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
18. You have a complete set of salad bowls that all say "CoolWhip" on the side.
19. The biggest city you've ever been to is WalMart.
20. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
21. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
22. You missed 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
23. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 MPH.


Computer Games. Get Yours Here!

I was confused when I heard the word 'service'

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

                    

These are actual quotes from Federal Employee Performance Evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee should go far---And the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

12. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

13. "Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching."

14. "A room temperature IQ."

15. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

16. "A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

17. "A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."

18. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

19. "Bright as Alaska in december."

20. "One-celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Fell out of the family tree."

23. "Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "Has 2 brains. One is lost, the other is out looking for it."

25. "He's so dense, light bends around him."

26. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

27. "If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week."

28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

30. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

31. "One neutron short of a synapse."

32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

33. "Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."

34. "Was left on the Tilt-A-Wheel a bit too long as a baby."

35. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."


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Over Population Of The Nerds

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said,

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."


101 Easy Science Fair Projects

Qantas Airlines

After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part, listing the problem, of which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the next flight of that plane can review the form before taking off.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintanence complaints and responses with
P = the problem logged by the pilot,
S = the solution and action taken by engineers.

Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


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The Perks of Being Over 40...

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


Find Out What The Author Of "The Attractor Factor" Can Teach YOU

Rabbit's Ph.D. Thesis:

A Parable for Graduate Students

Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside
his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit: "My thesis."

Fox: "Hmmm. What's it about?"

Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(incredulous pause)

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

Rabbit: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the
rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you're writing?"

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
(loud guffaws)

Wolf: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit
returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Scene: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox
bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the
room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

(The End)

Moral:
It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.
It doesn't matter what you use for data.
What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.



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From Eggs To Politics

Watching the TV news, we find our highways aren't safe, our streets aren't safe, our parks aren't safe. But under our arms, we've got complete protection!

We don't seem to be able to get crime in check, so why don't we just legalize it and then tax it out of business?

Someone once asked me if I could fix eggs. I always thought that once eggs were broken, they couldn't be fixed.

President Obama really knows how to keep fit; the way he skips around the White House, runs all over the world, and jumps on Congress.

What you don't know may not hurt you, but it can amuse a lot of people.

The first all electric jet was making a cross country flight. The passengers heard this announcement:
~ This is the first all electric jet. We need no pilot, no crew. You press a button and we take off. Press another button and we land. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing can....

Government is an institution in which sound travels faster than light.

Just remember this: A person is born, lives, dies, and then buried. Soon after that he's fertilizer and makes the grass grow. Then a horse comes along, eats the grass and turns it into a by-product. So be careful what you step in. It may be your cousin.


Check Out My Inspirational Quotes

How To Properly Wash A Cat

Washing a cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Lift the lid and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe the cat as you bring it into the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close the lid and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds(ignore ruckus from inside the toilet, cat is enjoying this).
6. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This creates a power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Stand as far from the toilet as possible and lift the lid.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where it will air dry.
Sincerely,
THE DOG


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Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7. Barking in next cubical keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe(tm) still in beta test.

5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *


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12 Rules Of Life

Sometimes we just need to Remember what the 12 Rules
of Life really are...

1. Never Give Yourself a Haircut After Three Margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy,
vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her
-- believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles: Ask yourself, "Will
this matter one year from now? How about one month?
One week? One day?"

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You
have another chance!

10. Living Well Really is The Best Revenge. Being
miserable because of a bad or former relationship just
might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is Good, but it's Not That Important.
Money is Nice, But You Can't Take It With You.
Statistics show most people don't live to spend all
they saved -- some die even before they retire. And
everything we have isn't really ours -- it was given to us by God;
He just lets us borrow it while we're here...even our kids.

12. And Finally ... Be Really Good To Your Family
and/or Friends. You never know when you are going
to need them to empty your bedpan.


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The Expedition

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.

One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know anything about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"


One Of The Largest Selections Of Movies Anywhere

The Speeder

A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.

When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.

The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I’ll pass that test."


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Wish I'd Said That

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once
said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and
replaced by exact duplicates." Here are some more of his gems:

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Laid Off? No Money Coming In? Maybe This Will Help.

Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.


I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.


I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.


I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.


I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.


I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.


I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.


I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.


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What's Wrong With This Headline?

**Include your children when baking cookies.

**Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.

**Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted.

**Survivor of siamese twins joins parents.

**Eye drops off shelf.

**Teacher strikes idle kids.

**President Bush wins on budget, but more lies ahead.

**Enraged cow injures farmer with axe.

**Miners refuse to work after death.

**Stolen painting found by tree.

**Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter.

**Killer sentenced to die for second time in ten years.

**Cold wave linked to temperatures.

**Deer kill 17,000.

**Red tape holds up new bridges.

**New study of obesity looks for larger test group.

**Kids make nutritious snacks.

**Local high school dropouts cut in half.


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Eating Out

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him,and as he sits,the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the out the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million bucks but you were smart enough to ask for that!
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with longlegs."


Does Life Stress You Out? Doesn't Need To Be That Way.

Odds and Ends

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Somebody stopped payment on my reality check.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you are unique. Just like everyone else.

I love cats. They taste just like chicken.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


Don't Buy Electricity. Make It.

The Dogs

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HellOOOooo," answered the blond. "They’re watch dogs!"


Do YOU Know How To Attract A NEW Car?

Cats

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.


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Erratic Driving

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."


Have Some Curves You'd Like To Lose?

The Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
Courthouse:

You cannot post

"Thou Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and
"Thou Shall Not Lie"

in a building full of
lawyers, judges, and politicians without creating a hostile work
environment!

Joe Vitale of The Secret, teaches you What He Knows

Redneck Logic

Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they
should go to college so they could get ahead.
Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him to take Math,
History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.

"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor.
"Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Sure do," the redneck responded.

"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the
professor went on.

"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.

"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a
house.Is that right?"

"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by
yourself,logic dictates that you have a wife. Right?"

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are
heterosexual rather than homosexual. Is that right?"

"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I
ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the
hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter asks.

"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.

"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a weed-eater?"

"No." says Cooter.

"You're queer, aintcha?"


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The Drink

Senator Hillary Clinton was attending a party, when she noticed
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said; "If you were my
husband, I would poison your drink."

Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear, "And
if you were my wife, I would drink it."


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The Donkey

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going
to town. The boy rode on the donkey and
the old man walked. As they went along
they passed some people who remarked
it was a shame the old man was walking
and the boy was riding. The man and boy
thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.



Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both
would walk! Soon they passed some
more people who thought they were
stupid to walk when they had a decent
donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.


Now they passed some people that
shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were
probably right, so they decided
to carry the donkey. As
they crossed the bridge, they lost
their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass good-bye.

Have A Nice Day


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Chuck Norris Facts

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.



Audio Books Are Great Tools

A Modern Parable

A Japanese auto company ( Toyota ) and an American auto company (GMC) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower . There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year 's racing team was out-sourced to India

Sadly, The End.


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