The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. Janie, do you have a story to share?



''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.



''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story? "

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."


Pellet BBQ's. Once You've Eaten Food Cooked On These, You Don't Want Anything Else!

Dating Tips

These are pick-up lines some women said were actually said to them......


Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

Are you busy tonight at 2:00 A.M.?

Are you lost ma'am? Heaven is a long way from here.

Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call your mother and thank her.

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

Fathers Day

I have mixed emotions when I receive Fathers Day gifts. I'm very happy my kids remember me, but do they really think I actually dress that way????

I went into a library the other day, and because I didn't have a lot of time, I stopped and asked the librarian where the "Self Help" section was. She replied that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Did you know that the guy that invented the Marconi radio telegraph system was named Guglielmo Marconi? I don’t know Italian very well but I’m pretty sure that’s pronounced “Googley – Elmo”. I cannot say this name out loud without laughing. I bet whoever presented his Nobel Prize had to practice saying his name for like a week before he could say it without cracking up.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


14,000 Woodworking Plans With Step-by-step Instructions, Photos And Diagrams To Make Every Project Laughably Easy

Husband and Wife

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset.
She told him "tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday!

"Top Ten Signs You Are 'Burned Out' Because of Work"

1. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
2. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
3. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
5. You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.
6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
7. You sleep more at work than at home.
8. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
9. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.


Beyond Manifestation, With Joe Vitale

A Bit Of Judo

Two guys were in a dojo when a mad dog came flying in and attacked the smaller guy. The larger guy grabbed a belt and strangled the dog. A news reporter standing by said, "You're a hero!" He wrote in his notebook the heading "Judo Hero Saves Friend from Savage Dog!"

The guy saw the note and said "I am not a Judo player."

"OK," replied the reporter and he wrote down "Ju Jitsu Hero Saves Friend from Savage Dog!"

The guy replied, "Sorry, but I do Karate."

"OK," said the reporter, then wrote down "Savage Kills Family Pet!!"