Ellen Degeneres

1) Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don’t stop dropping until the act is completed. So it’s not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That’s how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, ‘Boy, don’t we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.’ I don’t know about you, but if I’m one of these two birds, you’re getting close to the ground… I would seriously consider fakin’ it.”


2) I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.


3) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.


4) Just go up to somebody on the street and say “You’re it!” and just run away.


5) I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It’s been about two months since I’ve worked out. And I just don’t have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.


6) Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.


7) I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.


8) Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.


9) (about call-waiting) It’s turned into a mini people’s choice awards. Hasn’t it? And you find out right away who wins or loses.: You’re having a pleasant conversation with what you think is a good friend. You hear the click. They tell you to hold on. You’re confident they’re going to come back to you. And then they come back and they say, “I’ve got to take this other call.” And you know what that means what they just said to the other person? “Let me get rid of this other call.”


10) I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But that’s their job and they have to read these stories and they’re just coming up on the teleprompter they don’t know what’s coming up. and they have to go through these change of emotions. That.. “There were no survivors…And next Which candybar helps ya lose weight! Still to come! Is an asteroid headed towards earth…But first where to find the cheesiest pizza in town! Also, a disturbing study finds that studies are disturbing…

Messing With The Reality Of Calories.....

1. If no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?

2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, do they cancel each other out?

3. When eating with someone else, logically, calories won't count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream. Medicinal due to the happiness effect involved in eating them.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count. Those calories are required to strap to the other persons waist.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off. But you DO have to walk to make it happen.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa. Not so sure I still believe in that guy. Hasn't been all that effective for me, the zero calorie thing.



Feel Inspired, Enlightened, and Motivated!

Classified Ads

Cabbage Patch doll, still in box, comes with its own 1982 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

Seattle Postal Employee Gun Club.

Ho Chi Min Pizza. Free chopsticks.

1 man, 4 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

Parachute. Excellent shape – Never opened. Used once.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

Alzheimer's Center prepares for an affair to remember.

Mr Robin Williams.....

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

"When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker."

"I'm a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge."

"Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"

"You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks."

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

"If it's the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number?"

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

Bumper Snickers

Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass?

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers

DANGER: I drive like you do!

DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.

DARE to keep the CIA off drugs.

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Death is the consequence of being alive.

Deep down, divers care.

Democrats=Beaureaucrats: STUPID

Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

DETEST-de stuff de teacher gives de students when ya expect it de least!!!

Dewey,Skrewem, & Howe (attorneys at law)

Did you check if your horn works?

Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?

Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.


Learn How To Become A Profitable Tutor!

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~Dave Beard

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. ~Author Unknown

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. ~Author Unknown

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown

You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.
~Mike Myers (Austin Powers: Goldmember)

You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music.
~Jim Carrey


Want To Learn A New Language? It's Easy! Start Right Here!

A Man's Best Friend

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his
deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man
in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
Seductive, and invincible. . .

No, wait . . .! Sorry . . ., I am thinking of beer.
That's what beer does . . .
Never mind.


Gagdets AND Gizmos. And Some Pretty Good Holiday Gift Ideas.