A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.
The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.
The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"
Christmas Is Coming. Give This Great Gift!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
College Rules
There is a teacher speaking in front of a group of boy college freshmen about the college rules. The teacher starts talking about the dorm rooms.
"If you get caught in a girls dorm room after nine o'clock, you will get a fifty dollar fine. If you get caught twice, you get a hundred dollar fine. If you get caught three times, you get a two hundred-fifty dollar fine and suspension for a week at the least."
So a boy raises his hand and asks, "How much for a yearly pass?"
"If you get caught in a girls dorm room after nine o'clock, you will get a fifty dollar fine. If you get caught twice, you get a hundred dollar fine. If you get caught three times, you get a two hundred-fifty dollar fine and suspension for a week at the least."
So a boy raises his hand and asks, "How much for a yearly pass?"
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Four Catholic Mothers
Off the wall humor???
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how
wonderful their children are.
The first mother tells her friends,"My son is a priest. When he walks into a
room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son
is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women
give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2",
hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how
wonderful their children are.
The first mother tells her friends,"My son is a priest. When he walks into a
room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son
is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women
give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2",
hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Witty Sayings
1) One of the best feelings in the world is emptying your pockets in the evening, and knowing you can leave all the junk there until the next day.
2) Those who have guinea pigs never have to throw out any vegetables.
3) If you wear a silly hat, everyone knows who you are.
4) No one likes a smartass
4') Especially another smartass.
4") Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.
5) Arguing with a zealot is only slightly easier than tunneling through a mountain with your forehead.
6) Anyone capable of getting themselves elected president has shown that they should not be allowed to do the job. (Apologies to Douglas Adams)
7) Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. (Isaac Asmiov)
8) Right, because usually the compentent don't wait that long. (Jerry Pournelle)
9) Once is chance, twice is a coincidence, three times is an enemy action. (Ian Fleming, Goldfinger)
10) Never turn your back on a charging turtle.
11) Never get in a spitting contest with a llama.
12) Projectile vomiting rarely gets you a return invitation anywhere.
13) Never throw toilet paper on a bear.
14) Hyenas laugh becasue they know what's coming next.
15) Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot more fun than it sounds.
15') Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else.
16) Calling your mother and pretending to be an encyclopedia salesman doesn't go over too well.
17) The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.
18) He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.
2) Those who have guinea pigs never have to throw out any vegetables.
3) If you wear a silly hat, everyone knows who you are.
4) No one likes a smartass
4') Especially another smartass.
4") Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.
5) Arguing with a zealot is only slightly easier than tunneling through a mountain with your forehead.
6) Anyone capable of getting themselves elected president has shown that they should not be allowed to do the job. (Apologies to Douglas Adams)
7) Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. (Isaac Asmiov)
8) Right, because usually the compentent don't wait that long. (Jerry Pournelle)
9) Once is chance, twice is a coincidence, three times is an enemy action. (Ian Fleming, Goldfinger)
10) Never turn your back on a charging turtle.
11) Never get in a spitting contest with a llama.
12) Projectile vomiting rarely gets you a return invitation anywhere.
13) Never throw toilet paper on a bear.
14) Hyenas laugh becasue they know what's coming next.
15) Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot more fun than it sounds.
15') Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else.
16) Calling your mother and pretending to be an encyclopedia salesman doesn't go over too well.
17) The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.
18) He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Excuses From Parents For Absent Students
1. John was absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
2. Chris has acre in his side.
3. Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.
4. Mary Ann was absent Dec 11-12 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick with fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either; sore throat and fever. there must be the flu going around; her father even got hot last night.
5. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. Please execute him.
6. Please exuse Joey friday. He has loose vowels.
7. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell out of a tree and misplaced her hip.
8. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines.
9. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
10. John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
~Courtesy of Bev Feighner, Tacoma School District
2. Chris has acre in his side.
3. Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.
4. Mary Ann was absent Dec 11-12 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick with fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either; sore throat and fever. there must be the flu going around; her father even got hot last night.
5. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. Please execute him.
6. Please exuse Joey friday. He has loose vowels.
7. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell out of a tree and misplaced her hip.
8. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines.
9. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
10. John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
~Courtesy of Bev Feighner, Tacoma School District
Sunday, November 22, 2009
To Catch a Rabbit
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
WHY WOMEN SHOULD NOT TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter
from the local Walmart.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMT's were
called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. And last, but certainly not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
clerks passed out.
Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter
from the local Walmart.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMT's were
called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. And last, but certainly not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
clerks passed out.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
A few quotes
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.
Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - Mark Twain
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.
Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce. ----Lord Byron
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.
Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - Mark Twain
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.
Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce. ----Lord Byron
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Are People Just Not Smart Anymore?
I'm looking at the Pop-Tarts box, and I noticed they have directions on there. I give up on this species. They have two full sets of directions. They have toaster directions.
Which, I'm not making this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don't know how it's possible that the directions are longer than one... You'd think it would be, (instructions on side of box....) "Step 1: Toast the Pop-Tarts...
Ok, go ahead, toast 'em... It's okay... Hey are you still reading this?"
But they've managed to break it up into smaller increments. These are the actual toaster steps. I wanna be in the room watching someone who has to consult these steps. "Okay, Number one: Remove pastry from pouch. (See the astonished look of confusion) (Person removes pastry)
O-kay... Yeah... I see where they're going with this. We are banging on all cylinders now. Okay, Number two: Insert pastry, oh okay, vertically! (Confused hand motions) ...into toaster! (Looks around, confused) ...I gotta get a toaster!"
Which, I'm not making this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don't know how it's possible that the directions are longer than one... You'd think it would be, (instructions on side of box....) "Step 1: Toast the Pop-Tarts...
Ok, go ahead, toast 'em... It's okay... Hey are you still reading this?"
But they've managed to break it up into smaller increments. These are the actual toaster steps. I wanna be in the room watching someone who has to consult these steps. "Okay, Number one: Remove pastry from pouch. (See the astonished look of confusion) (Person removes pastry)
O-kay... Yeah... I see where they're going with this. We are banging on all cylinders now. Okay, Number two: Insert pastry, oh okay, vertically! (Confused hand motions) ...into toaster! (Looks around, confused) ...I gotta get a toaster!"
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Third Grade Smarts
In a classroom of 3rd graders, the teacher tells the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them."
She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers.
Little Suzie raised her hand.
Suzie: "I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched."
Teacher: "That's a good story Suzie. Now what is the moral?"
Suzie: "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"
Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike into a vendors produce stand, and all the eggs broke."
Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"
Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Teacher: "Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"
Little Johnny: "Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the marines, and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife."
Teacher: "Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"
Little Johnny: "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's drunk."
Wow. Turn Yourself Into A Veritable Fat Burning Furnace. Click Here For Details!
She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers.
Little Suzie raised her hand.
Suzie: "I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched."
Teacher: "That's a good story Suzie. Now what is the moral?"
Suzie: "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"
Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike into a vendors produce stand, and all the eggs broke."
Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"
Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Teacher: "Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"
Little Johnny: "Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the marines, and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife."
Teacher: "Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"
Little Johnny: "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's drunk."
Wow. Turn Yourself Into A Veritable Fat Burning Furnace. Click Here For Details!
Friday, November 6, 2009
A Message From God
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.
He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Huge 250-pound rugby player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.
The rugby player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"
Check Out Our Newly Added Inspirational Quotes Here
He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Huge 250-pound rugby player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.
The rugby player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"
Check Out Our Newly Added Inspirational Quotes Here
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
You Know You're Too Stressed If...
1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you
and suggest that you should get some rest.
2. You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
3. You say the same sentence over and over again, not
realizing that you have said it before.
4. The Sun is too loud.
5. Trees begin chasing you.
6. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
7. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up
an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
8. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step
for the consumption of coffee.
9. You can hear mimes.
10. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
Eliminate Asthma Naturally
and suggest that you should get some rest.
2. You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
3. You say the same sentence over and over again, not
realizing that you have said it before.
4. The Sun is too loud.
5. Trees begin chasing you.
6. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
7. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up
an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
8. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step
for the consumption of coffee.
9. You can hear mimes.
10. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
Eliminate Asthma Naturally
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Sundays Questions
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from insanity, does that mean one of them enjoys it?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced "onety-one"?
Why do they put pictures up of criminals in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailman can look for them, while they deliver their mail?
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from insanity, does that mean one of them enjoys it?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced "onety-one"?
Why do they put pictures up of criminals in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailman can look for them, while they deliver their mail?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
