Cat Takes

Make the world your playground.

Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.

If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.

When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.

Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.

Nap often.

When in trouble, just purr and look cute.

Life is hard, and then you nap.

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.

Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.

Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.

Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.

Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".


Inspirational Quotes

15 THINGS TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU'RE INSANE!!

1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
2. Moo when they say your name.
3. Run into walls.
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I’m a retard"
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"
10. Do what they actually tell you.
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
13. At everything they say yell, Liar.
14. Try to swim in the floor.
15. Tap on their door all night.


Tidbits Of Health

A mental hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."


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"Starting Early"

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I was drunk."


Inspirational Quotes

Honoring The Kids

What did one eye say to the other eye?
**Between you and me, something smells.
Submitted by Blake, age 6

What did the teacher say when it rained cats and dogs?
**Be careful not to step on a poodle!
Submitted by Kelly, age 12

What is even smarter than a talking bird?
**A Spelling Bee!
Submitted by Rebecca, age 11

Who is the greatest underwater spy?
**James POND!
Submitted by Treven, age 10

Why did the students eat their homework?
**Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Submitted by Alexandra, age 12

What kind of a storm is always in a rush?
**A Hurry Cain!
Submitted by Clouie, age 10

What do you call a worm with no teeth?
**A gummy worm!
Submitted by David, age 6

How did the telephone propose to the lady?
**It gave her a ring!
Submitted by Melissa, age 10

What did the nut say when it sneezed?
**"Cashew"!
Submitted by Emmy, age 7

What table can we eat?
**A vegeTABLE!
Submitted by Emma, age 12

Which is faster: Hot or Cold?
**Hot, 'cause you can catch a cold!
Submitted by Nicholas, age 12

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
**To get to the second-hand shop!
Submitted by Rameez, age 11

Why did the boy tiptoe towards the medicine cabinet?
**Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Submitted by Nayantara, age 13

What did Cinderella say to the photographer?
**I want my "prints" back!
Submitted by Annie, age 12

Why couldn't the teddy bear eat his dessert?
**He was stuffed!
Submitted by Christina, age 12

What does a farmer use to count his cattle?
**A COWculator!
Submitted by Christina, age 12

Who won when the two waves raced?
**They tide!
Submitted by Taylor, age 11

Why did the boy put lipstick on his head?
**Because he wanted to make up his mind!
Submitted by Kirsten, age 13


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More Rodney

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

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Some Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.


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The twelve days after Christmas

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"

Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"


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10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"


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Confucious

Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.

Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.

Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who fly airplane upside-down bound to have crack up.

Confucius talk too much.


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The Bottom Of The Barrel

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." -- funnyr.com

Why do they bother saying "raw" sewage? Do some people cook that stuff? (George Carlin)

People in hell...where do they tell someone to go? (Red Skelton)

I didn't invent the hypothetical situation, but let's just suppose for a second that I did. (Auggie Cook)

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. (Janeane Garofalo)

Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case.

According to rumors, John McCain and Barack Obama were trying to get Angelina Jolie’s endorsement for the campaign, and John Edwards was just trying to get her number.


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Oh Brother.......

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."


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Love Quotes

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonnette

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Unknown

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
Mistinguette

Absence -- that common cure of love.
Miguel De Cervantes


Inspirational Quotes

The Philosophical Change Of The Light Bulb

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Generally only one, but some rooms we can't even get into since 1933.

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding?! Why would we let them do that?! The broken bulb is a national treasure, pointing to our rich, rich history and culture. No, we would rather build a shrine there, and charge admission to see the 'ancient luminosity device'...hmmm, maybe we could even sell little figurines...

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually they are afraid to do it...they think that if they remove the top layer bulb, that they will disturb the (presumed) earlier bulbs that are screwed in beneath the one that is currently showing...

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it will take years and years of initial site study...we have to first correlate all the surrounding furniture and domestic devices, and then decide whether the anthropological theory about the bulb being a cultic object (based on its central location in the room, its being up out of reach--symbolizing transcendence, and its obviously sun-like shape) is a correct socio-economic understanding...

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to change the bulb, and the rest of them to weep about what Thiering, Allegro, Baigent and Leigh will write about it...

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
No amount of them can do it, but for an underground antiquities dealer it only takes 5 minutes...

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to proclaim that it confirms the biblical record...

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to proclaim that it dis-confirms the biblical record...(so much for the univocity of the archaeological record, eh?)

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, actually, it only takes a couple to remove the old bulb, but then they get so involved in studying the old bulb (especially in trying to correlate its appearance with all other burned-out bulbs within a 1000 km radius), that they never get around to putting the new bulb in...


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X Marks The Spot

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught over 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,

"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?


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Office Realities

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.


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A Singing Frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.

The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."


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Let's Go Fishin'

After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout in a bucket. He is approached by a Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I was not fishing and I did not catch these browns, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I'm ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home.

The officer, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the trout back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket." The fisherman turns to the officer and says, "What fish?"


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Computer Acronyms

AOL
Always off line
ISDN
It Still Does Nothing
APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI
System Can't See It
DOS
Defective Operating System
BASIC
Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
DEC
Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly
OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW
World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math
COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP
Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis
MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers


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A Medical Problem

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"


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Montana According To Jeff Foxworthy

If you're proud that your region makes the national news at least 96 times
each year because it's the hottest or the coldest spot in the nation, you
might live in Montana.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in
Montana.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in
Montana.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Montana.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Montanan WHEN "Vacation" means going east or west on hwy 2 for the weekend, you live in Montana.

You measure distance in hours, you might live in Montana.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Montana.

If you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you might live in Montana.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching, you might live in Montana.

You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings), you might live in Montana.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked, you might live in Montana.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use
them, you might live in Montana.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might
live in Montana.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
you might live in Washington State:).

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction, you might live in Montana.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue
spruce, you might live in Montana.

You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.., you might live in
Montana.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed, you might live in Montana.

If your idea of going out to eat is a tail gate party every Friday, you
might live in Montana.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car; you might live in
Montana.

If you find 0 degrees to be "a little chilly", you might live in Montana.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Montana friends, you might live in Montana.


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Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If
she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the
condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or (D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly
on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll
Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped
she would not have to use it because ... her friend was ... well ... a blonde.

She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and
the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The
answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her
friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would
seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an
answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct!! You
are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends -
including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests. They live in clocks."


**I like quick thinkers, blonde or not, don't you?**


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The School Report

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."


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Some Chuck Norris Bit-n-Pieces

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poo, because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter"

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue

The post office was set to release a stamp commemorating Chuck Norris. This plan was doomed to fail because nobody can lick Chuck Norris

I once had the pleasure of shaking Chuck Norris hand. I now only have 1 arm

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. There is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris


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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken
availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.

Othello: Jealousy.

Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,
you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the
Need to resist such a public Display of your own
lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in
town ought never expose one to such barbarous
inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a
road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the
chicken in question.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Constable: To get a better view.


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Printed Ads

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.


Words Of Health

The Worst Day

A little guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages.

Suddenly, a big biker comes along, snatches his glass, guzzles down the beer and laughs, "Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?"

"Nothing," sighed the little guy despondently.

"You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was
late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he
fired me. I cleaned out my desk, went to my car, only to find out
that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I took a taxi home,
but when it came to paying the driver I realized I'd lost my wallet.
Then went into my house and I caught my wife in bed with the gardener.
So I left home, wandering around aimlessly until I found this bar.

And just when I worked up the courage to end it all, you came along and drank my poisoned beer."


Movies And DVD's

Office Humor

Notice:

Please Notice!!

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice.

And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable.

It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

~From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices


Report: 98 Percent Of U.S. Commuters Favor Public Transportation For Others


Health Notes

The Mid-Term Exam

Following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. (this is pretty
witty - follow along)

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed)or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me
by Stella during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY A ON THE EXAM.


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