I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
"Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories."
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
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