1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes
quietly away and doesn't know anything about it
until the next morning?
3) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because
you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6) Were you alone or by yourself.
7) How long have you been a French Canadian?
8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize
that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10) Were you present in court this
morning when you were
sworn in?
11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was
August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally
stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14) So you were gone until you returned?
15) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?
17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18) Q: Have
you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
question."
20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you
examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose
Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about
8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that
correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the
table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Virus warning found in Compuserve's forums
The Goodtimes Email Virus
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave insidious messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is dastardly and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
These are just a few signs... Just be very careful!
Test Equipment For Your Car Can Be Found Right Here!
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave insidious messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is dastardly and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
These are just a few signs... Just be very careful!
Test Equipment For Your Car Can Be Found Right Here!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Innocence Of A Child
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
WHEN The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes
Inspirational Quotes
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
WHEN The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes
Inspirational Quotes
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Thoughtful Slants On Life
A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Make Things Happen In Your Life The Way You WANT Them To Happen. Click Here To Find Out More.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Make Things Happen In Your Life The Way You WANT Them To Happen. Click Here To Find Out More.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Optimistically Stressed
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'"
You know you're stressed out when you can hear Mimes.
If it weren't for stress I'd have no energy at all.
Usually I try to take it one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once...
Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.
Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately deserves it.*
I’ve tried yoga, but I find stress less boring.*
Inspire Someone. Give Them This Link!
You know you're stressed out when you can hear Mimes.
If it weren't for stress I'd have no energy at all.
Usually I try to take it one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once...
Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.
Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately deserves it.*
I’ve tried yoga, but I find stress less boring.*
Inspire Someone. Give Them This Link!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Relationship Humor
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
• • •
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. He doesn't believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. We'll show him just how wrong he is."
Inspiration Quotes. Right Here!
• • •
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. He doesn't believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. We'll show him just how wrong he is."
Inspiration Quotes. Right Here!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
California
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 per year and still cannot afford to buy a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember..........if pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where you coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
9. Gas costs $1.00 more per gallon than anywhere else in the U.S.
10. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
Very Cool Computer Games Here
1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 per year and still cannot afford to buy a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember..........if pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where you coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
9. Gas costs $1.00 more per gallon than anywhere else in the U.S.
10. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
Very Cool Computer Games Here
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The World According To Maxine
Butt Jiggle is my way of saying goodbye!
Maybe I'll wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow, and maybe I won't!
I can't be bothered with a cell phone in my car........I'm too busy making finger gestures at everyone.
I tried paying my taxes with a smile. But they wanted money.
Don't like my attitude? Send an email to: www.like_I_care.com
It's.....One Nation Under God, or bite my skinny ass and leave!
If you MUST burn our flag, wrap yourself in it first.
Real women don't have hot flashes. They have power surges.
When the neighbors play the music too loud, I dance naked. Shut's 'em down pretty quick.
As far as I'm concerned, the perfect bra is a sweatshirt.
Actually, you can have a healthy sex life well into your later years. Assuming you can stand the site of people your age naked.
Maybe I'll wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow, and maybe I won't!
I can't be bothered with a cell phone in my car........I'm too busy making finger gestures at everyone.
I tried paying my taxes with a smile. But they wanted money.
Don't like my attitude? Send an email to: www.like_I_care.com
It's.....One Nation Under God, or bite my skinny ass and leave!
If you MUST burn our flag, wrap yourself in it first.
Real women don't have hot flashes. They have power surges.
When the neighbors play the music too loud, I dance naked. Shut's 'em down pretty quick.
As far as I'm concerned, the perfect bra is a sweatshirt.
Actually, you can have a healthy sex life well into your later years. Assuming you can stand the site of people your age naked.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Groans.....
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Two hats we hanging on a hat rack in a hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a-head".
Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects!
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Two hats we hanging on a hat rack in a hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a-head".
Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Quality Advice
Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later, his wife had a ten pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby be this big this early? Signed, Wondering
Dear Wondering,
The baby was right on time. The wedding was late.
Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Signed, Sam
Dear Sam,
Run for public office.
Quote From The Boss
"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say"(Marketing Executive, Citrix Corporation)
Health Products You Can Trust
Our son was married in January. Five months later, his wife had a ten pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby be this big this early? Signed, Wondering
Dear Wondering,
The baby was right on time. The wedding was late.
Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Signed, Sam
Dear Sam,
Run for public office.
Quote From The Boss
"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say"(Marketing Executive, Citrix Corporation)
Health Products You Can Trust
Sunday, October 11, 2009
University Of Washington Exam
Following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. (this is pretty
witty - follow along)
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed)or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me
by Stella during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."
Movies And More!
witty - follow along)
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed)or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me
by Stella during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."
Movies And More!
Friday, October 9, 2009
More Observations On Growing Older
• The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom -- you have his full attention.
• ; Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
• When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
• You use more 4 letter words -- "what?"..."when?"
• Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M.; next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
• You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
• Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?
• Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.
• Your concealer doesn't conceal.
• Your lipstick bleeds.
• Your mascara clumps, and your eyebrows are disappearing.
You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin needs to be plucked daily.
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job.
• You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet, 2 of which you will never wear again.
• But old is good in some things -- old songs, old movies, and best of all -- old friends!
• ; Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
• When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
• You use more 4 letter words -- "what?"..."when?"
• Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M.; next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
• You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
• Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?
• Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.
• Your concealer doesn't conceal.
• Your lipstick bleeds.
• Your mascara clumps, and your eyebrows are disappearing.
You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin needs to be plucked daily.
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job.
• You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet, 2 of which you will never wear again.
• But old is good in some things -- old songs, old movies, and best of all -- old friends!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Growing Older Observations
• It's harder to tell navy from black.
• Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around.
• Your kids are becoming you -- and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!
• Yellow becomes the big color -- walls, hair, teeth.
• Going out is good; coming home is better!
• When people say you look "Great", they add, "for your age"!
• When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything -- movies, hotels, flights.
• You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
• The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.
• You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you the truth.
• The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
• You realize you're never going to be really good at anything -- especially golf.
• Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
• The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
• Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.
• You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married; now it's, "I hope they STAY married!"
Obtain What You Want
• Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around.
• Your kids are becoming you -- and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!
• Yellow becomes the big color -- walls, hair, teeth.
• Going out is good; coming home is better!
• When people say you look "Great", they add, "for your age"!
• When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything -- movies, hotels, flights.
• You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
• The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.
• You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you the truth.
• The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
• You realize you're never going to be really good at anything -- especially golf.
• Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
• The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
• Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.
• You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married; now it's, "I hope they STAY married!"
Obtain What You Want
Monday, October 5, 2009
Can You Believe It?
Number One Idiot of 2009
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes
in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the
harbor,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written
on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out
a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later,
as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Make Money While You Sleep, With No Employees
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes
in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the
harbor,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written
on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out
a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later,
as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Make Money While You Sleep, With No Employees
Saturday, October 3, 2009
New Excuses To Miss Work
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24 Hour Virus.
3. The Friday Afternoon Start The Weekend Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take but I Want To Stay On the Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To the Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
Winter's Coming; Kids Will Be Indoors. What To Do?
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24 Hour Virus.
3. The Friday Afternoon Start The Weekend Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take but I Want To Stay On the Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To the Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
Winter's Coming; Kids Will Be Indoors. What To Do?
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Need A Smile?
1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jumper cables walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer for me please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, '
They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....
"A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jumper cables walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer for me please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, '
They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....
"A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
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