Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's Thoughts

Love is grand!!
Divorce is a hundred grand.
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I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
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Time may be a great healer,
but it's a lousy beautician.
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Conscience is what hurts
when everything else feels good.
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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
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Even if you are on the right track,
You'll get run over if you just sit there.
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An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes;
However, death doesn't get worse every year.
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In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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I am Not over weight
I am a nutritional overachiever.
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I plan on living forever. So far, So good.
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Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
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A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
But nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
But fat cells live forever.
**************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty,
It also begins to show.
**************************


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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Mental Health Hotline

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive/compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, & 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want; stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the 'hash' key until the 'beep'. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

If you have low self-esteem hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Signs You Might Be A Redneck

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

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Monday, December 28, 2009

Obama, McCain And Hillary All Die And Go To Heaven

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"

McCain takes a breath and then replies, "Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book." God looks down and then says, "You can sit to my left side."

So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?" Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, "I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long." God again looks down and this time says, "You can sit to my right side."

Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"
Obama smiled and replied, "I think you're in my seat."

A Closing Note From Jay Leno
"Barack Obama gave a big speech on race, and there was one heckler in the audience, kept screaming crazy stuff the whole time. Turns out it was his pastor."

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Saturday, December 26, 2009

George Bush Resume. How Much Of This Do You Remember? This Is Satire, Of Course. Or...Is It?

George W. Bush's Resume

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500

Past Work Experience

Ran for congress and lost.
Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.

With father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments in Previous Positions

Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.

Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments As President

Attacked and took over two countries.

Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.

Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.

Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.

First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.

First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history. Approximately 977 days known for the 8 years in office(nearly 2.7 years).

After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.

In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.

Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.

Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.

Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.

Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.

Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.

Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.

Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.

Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.

My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.

Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).

First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.

Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.

First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.

Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.

Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.

First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.

First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.

Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.

Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.

Withdrew from the World Court of Law.

Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).

All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.

My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).

Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.

First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.

First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)

First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.

Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).

With a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.

Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.

First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.

Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.

Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'

Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.

In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.

Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.

In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.

Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

Records and References

At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)

AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.

Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)


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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Mark Twain Enlightens

1. "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

2. "Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

3. "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. "

4. "When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not."

5. "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

6. I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.

7. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

8. We'll set up a 75¢ meal that will knock their eyes out. After we knock their eyes out, we can charge them anything we want.

9. From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

10. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

11. In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

12. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.


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Monday, December 21, 2009

George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

At my age flowers scare me.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Humor Of Steven Wright

I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

"Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories."

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"


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Monday, December 14, 2009

Bumper Stickers

"I'm only speeding 'cause I have to poop"

"I got a Nobel Prize in my happy meal"

A village in Kenya is missing its idiot

The Democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those willing to work and give to those who would not

Republican ~ Because not everyone can be on welfare

Please don't tell Obama what comes after a trillion

One Big Ass Mistake America
How's that "change" thing work'in 4 ya?

Obama is NOT Jesus. Jesus could build a cabinet.

Contrary to popular belief, no one owes you anything

Government is like a baby: An voracious appetite at one end, and on sense of responsibility at the other

In the time it took you to read this, the government spent $916,457

Guns don't kill people. Daddy's with pretty daughters do.

Obama Motors....Driving America to the edge....and beyond

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Saturday, December 12, 2009

THINGS ABOUT KIDS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

7. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT
IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"



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Friday, December 11, 2009

What's Sex?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to
his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational
theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects
of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment
form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but
how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"


The Perfect Christmas Gift

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Robin Williams Political Satire

If you can watch his video, you can find it here. If not, a few excerpts are below.


"It's wonderful, with Sarah Palin; I went looking for her book and I found it in the fantasy aisle.
With Sarah you get the feeling she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one. You look at her and wonder 'Where did they find her, Project Running Mate?'"

We do have to take a moment of silence and bid a fond farewell, to George W Bush. Yes, it's the end of the reign of George the 2nd; the reign of error is over. America is officially out of re-hab.

George Bush is the man who said: "I am the Decider". No sir, you are the President; you make decisions. Decider is what they sell in the little jugs.

What can George Bush do after the Presidency? He could do Stand Up comedy. He has 8 years of amazing material. Here's a little.......

~ Is our American children learning?
~ I just found out alot of our imports come from other countries.
~ Our enemies are looking for terrible ways to destroy this country, and so are we.
~ G.W. comes from a family where the smart brother is named Jedd.
~ During the last Presidential debates; two parties speaking full sentences after 8 years of George Bush. Thank you God!!



The Magic Of Making Up(Get Your Ex Back)

~

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A Twist On The Reason For High Health Costs

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his
hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed
the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the
table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The
cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried,
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat
Scan, it’s now $150.”


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