Sometimes It Pays To Listen To Your Lawyer

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer.

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."


Dr Joe Vitale; Spiritual Master, Teaches You. Right Now How To Get What You Want.

Jokes And Funny Stories About Lawyers

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

What an amazing lawyer he was. Once he got a jury so confused, they sent the judge to jail.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a pit bull terrier?
A pit bull terrier knows when to stop chasing an ambulance.

Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and the railroad company. A farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field which the railroad passed through. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case.
After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."
The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!"

What's the easiest way to grease a Ferarri?
Run over a lawyer.

The highway department came to the scene of the accident where 25 feet of skid marks led up to the skunk. They picked up the first victim and gave him a proper burial, taking pains to notify the family of the tragedy. Of course they had to put clothes pins on their noses and rubber gloves on before they could remove the lawyer.

After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.
Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!"
"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked.
"Grounds for Divorce."

What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."


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Don't Take Offense If You Are Blonde

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."


Become A Super Affiliate Overnight

Benefits of Aging:

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-----------------------------------------

An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ...
your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
How old would you be
if you didn't know how old you are?
----------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf.


Losing Weight Is NOT Hard. Here Are Proven Methods.

Have Ya Ever Wondered?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all the Acme products, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Do one-legged ducks swim in circles?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have a 's' in it?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

And who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"


You KNOW Deep Down You Can Have What You Want. Learn How To Do That Right Here.

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

# 10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22..

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will
probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for
a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.


Does Your Computer Suffer From Spyware?

Did You Ever Wonder?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Can You Make As Much As I Do?

Guess Most Anyone Can Have A Bad Day

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.



A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give
her
an
examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen
abdomen.
It only
took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is
pregnant."
The
mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that
her
daughter
was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by
having
sex with
a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the
horizon.
The
mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window!

Aren't you
paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention
ma'am. It's
just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the
East,
and
three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up
again.


Memory Not As Good As You'd Like? Find Out Here How To Fix It.

The IRS Genie

The IRS Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.


Now Is The Day To Get Paid

Share And Share Alike

Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."

"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"

"Of course" says the first.

The second farmer continued: "and if you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"

"Absolutely"

"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"

"Ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"


Learn How To Manifest Your Desires

The Game Of Golf

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.

"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.

"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."


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Evolution Of The Human Race

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.


Weight Loss. Do You Want It?

Liabitlity Litigation

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the
following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like a retard.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to think you can sing.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone
them at four in the morning.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you can logically converse with other members of the
opposite sex without spitting.
____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause
of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than
most
people.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to think people are laughing WITH you.
_____
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
_____
WARNING: the cumsumson of alcahol may Mack you
tink you can tipe real gode


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The Secret Diary Of A Cat

DAY 124 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 125 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 126- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 127 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 128 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 129 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 130 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....


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Picabo

The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a
nurse.She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large
metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused
simply
too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
"Picabo, ICU."

A good clean joke is hard to find these days ---


NOW Is The Day To Get Paid!

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE USING YOUR COMPUTER

1. Open a new file in your PC

2 Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to
delete housework permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button
firmly....

7. All done!!!!!!!!
Feel better?



Have You Heard Of The 5 Tibetan Rites?

Washington Wives

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.



The first man had married a woman from Oregon:

He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and
house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to see a clean house and clean dishes.



The second man had married a woman from California:

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his saw a clean
house, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.



The third man had married an Washington girl:

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for
every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a
bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.


Health Books

Marriage

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young Secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi
million dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he
prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked
for dead
rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air freshener were hung
everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused
to work in the house...The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even
the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a
new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she
missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on
price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth... But only
if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the
hour,
his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
...including the curtain rods.

I love a happy ending, don't you???

Calling All Affiliates!

The ten best things to say if caught sleeping at your desk.

10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

9. This is a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out.. You probably got here just in time!

7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

5. I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice yoga?

4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

3. The coffee machine is broken.

2. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk..........

1. ...in Jesus name. Amen.


Your Computer Probably Has Parasites. Get Rid Of Them Now!

Why ARE Men Happier?

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect
from such simple creatures? Your last name stays
put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take
care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.


You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You
can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can
wear NO shirt to a water park. Car Mechanics tell
you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to
another gas station restroom because this one is
just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of
which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more
pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000.
Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are
talking to them. T he occasional well-rendered belch
is practically expected. New shoes don't cut,
blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat. You
know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase .
You can open all of your own
jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he
or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three
pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost
never have strap problems in public. You are unable
to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your
face stays its original color. The same hairstyle
lasts for years, maybe even decades. You only have
to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly
usually hides you big hips. One wallet and one pair
of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear
shorts no matter what how your legs look. You can
"do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are
happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the
men who will enjoy reading it.


End Insomnia Tonight

Bumper Stickering Continued. Temporarily.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I only look Sweet & Innocent

You have the right to remain silent. So please SHUT UP.

Work harder. Millions on welfare depend on you

My other car is also a piece of junk

And on the eighth day, God played golf

If women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back?

Conservatives suck

A bad day of fishing beats a good day of working

Meeting - an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

Not all men are fools. Some are single.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance

Death Before Dishonor Nothing Before Coffee

I love cats. Want to trade recipes?

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer

I'd rather be skiing

Hey jerk, you are driving a car, not a phone booth


Develop A SUPER Memory!

Monday Night Bumper Stickers

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I love cats, they taste just like chicken

Men are idiots and I married their king

Dijon vu - the same mustard as
before.

The best way to get on your feet is to get off your ass!

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes!

Caution! Driver just doesn't give a shit anymore!

Have a crappy day

God grant me patience. And I want it NOW!

Impeach Clinton. And her husband.

I'll do it tomorrow, I've made enuf mistakes today

Give me coffee and no one will get hurt

Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee

Ignore your rights and they'll go away

C code. C code run. Run, code, run! (please?)

If you're rich, I'm single!

This truck belongs to me. Everything else belongs to her

The complaint department is closed!


Become A Super Affiliate!

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader..

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan..

9. Your junior prom offered day care..

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


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Bumper Stickers Again

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Don't let school interfere with your education

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

My karma ran over your dogma

I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you

Shit happens!

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them?

Men have feelings too, but who really cares?

And on the eighth day, God went skiing

Athletes love to score

Not all women are fools. Some are single.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane

Yes, I've heard of "decaf." What's your point?

Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children

Procrastinate Later


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A Few More Bumper Stickers

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Don't laugh .. It's paid for!

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing

He who dies with the most toys, wins!

My other car is a Porsche

Cat: The other white meat

I'm in no hurry, I'm on my way to work

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time

Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it

The #1 cause of divorce is ... Marriage

We are spending our kids inheritance.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Some days you're the Dog, & Some days you're the Hydrant


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Great Truths

No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats.

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the taste.

Laughing in good exercise. Kinda like jogging on the inside.

Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster ride.

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

Time may be a great healer, but it is a lousy beautician.

You cannot trust a dog to watch your food.


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Bumper Stickers Extended

My computer doesn't
understand me!!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home

I'd rather be driving a golf ball

I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong!

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

A politician should do two terms - one in office and one in jail

Tired of being around? Call Dr. Jack

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My other car bumper sticker is funny

If all else fails .. lower your standards

Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over you

Life's a bitch, and so am I

It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees.

Nuke the gay unborn baby whales for peace

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person


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Bumper Stickers

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

If you want world peace, fight for justice.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares

This is my other car!

And on the eighth day, God went fishing

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas.

Gun Control isn't about guns. It's about control.

There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart.


Health Info

Dr's Notes:

Man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
~ Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
~ Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
~ Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
~ Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now! the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
~ Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
~ Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
~ Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass. " Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

And Finally . . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'." --won't admit his name


Health Notes