Geography

You Live in MAINE when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You Live in the DEEP SOUTH when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,
etc.

You live in COLORADO when....
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at
the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the MIDWEST when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"

You live in FLORIDA when....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.


Aromtherapy With No Harmful Additives

What a buddy

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked moron. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse's rear-end. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.


A Repeatable And Simple Golf Swing That Provides Power, Accuracy And Consistency

MOM - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, none of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope ! ! for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and this wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Total Control

A guy named Bob is traveling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.

He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing President Obama, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.

So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.

This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about President Obama and the government.

Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.

Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.

He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:

"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep."

The guys continue talking.

Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.

The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep...

When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.

Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).

The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.

Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.

The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills...


Find Health Tidbits Here

Marriage

A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"


A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"


Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven't seen each other for years. As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says "My what a magnificent ring." Her friend relies, "Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes
with my husband!"


Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.


Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.


One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.


Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.


I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.


A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.


I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.


We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.


Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.


If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


Health Notes

More Ways On Being Annoying

* Pay for your dinner with pennies.

* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

* At the laundry mat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

* Name your dog "Dog."

* Ask people what gender they are.

* Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."

* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

* Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.


Therapeutic Aromatherapy. It's Not Just For Smell.

New Ways To Be Annoying

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

* Drum on every available surface.

* Sing the Batman theme constantly.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.

* Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Set alarms for random times.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.


Audio Books Are The ONLY Way To Drive

Top Signs of Net Addiction

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher."

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You laugh at people with 28,800 modems.

You start using smiley's in your snail mail.

Your hard drive crashes.

You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch.

You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number.

You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.


Learn How To Get Rid Of Stubborn Belly Fat

Even More Bits N Pieces

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Do you feel you are diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

He who laughs last usually thinks slowest.

99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.

Explore unfamiliar territory. Get lost in thought.


Atract A New Car, The Joe Vitale Way!

More In Bits N Pieces

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Support bacteria. It's the only culture some people have.

Plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow.

The danger of having an open mind is that your brains could fall out.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Hard work pays off in the future.

Relaxation pays off now.

Ok....so what's the speed of dark?

A day without sunshine is like......night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.




Health Info

For Nurses. Or Anyone Who Knows A Nurse.

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!

You know you're a nurse if...

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark alley.

Your sense of humor gets more warped each year. Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually.

You know the smell of different diarrhea to identify it.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.

You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at the another table throw up. (Or at your own dinner table at home ... Sorry, kids)

You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did before you started nursing. (Guilty )

Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you.

You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult."

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker and to holler if they need help.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.

You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines. (I find it more interesting than reading the Tabloids)

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off. (Hate when that happens)

Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.

You have seen more penises than any prostitute.

If you are not a nurse this may just help you understand our mind set and questionable mental status/sanity. Most of the time we function in spite of this sick sense of humor, fairly normally and very responsibly.
( MOST of the time)


Learn How To Make Things Happen!

Marriage Made In Heaven

A young couple was on their way to get married when they had an accident and died. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St. Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer.

Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, “If things just don't work out can we get a divorce?"

St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?!!"


All Sorts Of Video Games!

The Computer Swallowed Grandma

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.

She pressed 'control' and 'enter'

And disappeared from view.




It devoured her completely,

The thought just makes me squirm.

She must have caught a virus

Or been eaten by a worm.




I've searched through the recycle bin

And files of every kind;

I've even used the internet,

But nothing did I find.




In desperation, I asked Jeeves

My searches to refine.

The reply from him was negative,

Not a thing was found 'online'.




So, if inside your 'Inbox,'

My Grandma you should see,

Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her

And send her back to me!

The Wisdom Of Confucious

Do not drink and park. Accidents cause people.

Chemist who fall in acid get absorbed in work.

Man who sit on tack get point!

He who eat many prunes, sit on potty many moons.

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Woman who cook carrots and peas in pot not sanitary.

Man who run in front of car get that run down feeling.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but two rights make U-turn.

Man who sneeze without hanky take matter into own hands.

Man who make love to girl on hill.....he not on level.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who eat crackers in bed get crummy sleep.

Man who shoot off mouth expect to lose face.

Man who pass gas in church must sit in own pew.

Man who throws dirt loses ground.


Inspirational Quotes

Toothbrush Sales

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, “This tastes like POOP!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!"


Manifesting Your Desires Made Simple

Computer Troubles

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 no longer run , crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible! to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony - Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife ! 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 ! .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support


Movies!

New Book Releases

How To Write Large Books
by: Warren Peace

The Lion Attacked
by: Claude Yarmoff

Songs For Children
by: Barbara Blacksheep

The Art Of Archery
by: Beau N Arrow

Irish Heart Surgery
by: Angie O'Plasty

Desert Crossing
by: I Rhoda Camel

School Truancy
by: Marcus Absent

I Was A Cloakroom Attendant
by: Mahatma Coate

I Lost My Balance
by Eileen Dover & Phil Down

Mystery In The Barnyard
by: Hu Flung Dung

Positive Reinforcement
by: Wade Ago

Shhhh!
by: Danielle Soloud

The Philippine Post Office
by: Imelda Letter

Things To Do At A Party
by: Bob Frapples

Stop Arguing
by: Xavier Breath

Raising Mosquitoes
by: I Itch

Mountain Climbing
by: Hugo First


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Hump Day Fun

Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?

Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

What are imitation rhinestones?

Who came up with the word why? And why?

My friend had the 24 hour bug for three days; go figure!

If at first you don't succeed, go back and destroy all evidence that you even tried!

Just great! I finally get a genuine idea, and someone else thought of it first.

I am having an out of money experience.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

I chose the path less traveled by, but only because I was lost.

If you throw a cat out your car window is it kitty litter?

I distinctly remember forgetting that.

The best things in life are free, but unfortunately that's not the way the law sees it.

If at first you don't succeed, try playing second base.

Success is not access to excess.

Great minds think like ME.


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Enlightenment

Why should I waste time learning from my past when I am busy worrying about my future?

A Democrat is a person who sees a glass partially filled and says, "This gass is half full!" A Republican is a person who sees the same glass and says, "Hey! Who's been drinking my water?"

You can't have everything in life. Where would you put it?

Why do people say "needless to say"?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then Congress is the opposite of progress.

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

I'm sorry, that's not vague enough for me. Could you be a little less specific?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.

What kind of cruel, demented person put an "s" in lisp?

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

Zen Crafters: Total enlightenment in about an hour!

I have a mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in thirty-seven states.

If you think of a color that does not exist, is it a pigment of your imagination?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Actually, the alphabet isn't really in that order at all. We've been duped.


Have some curves you'd like to lose?

Monday Blues Busters

Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in a dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that's where you wish they were.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

The chance that you'll forget something is directly proportional to.....to....ah.....

If the early bird gets the worm, look what happens to the early worm.

Honk if you like peace and quiet!

Two can live as cheaply as one -- for half as long.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?


Make Money By Just Sharing Your Opinion!

More Weekend One-Liners

Humpty Dumpty was pushed!

So, what is the speed of dark?

An economist is a person who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.

Don't try to make children grow up to be like you. They may do it.

An atheist is a person with no invisible means of support.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.

Time is a great teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key.

I never, ever make sweeping generalizations.

Prayer: "Oh Lord, give me patience, but give it to me RIGHT NOW!"


The Secret Is No Longer A Secret. It Works. Find Out How Here.

Weekend One-Liners

I would gladly trade in my "Caller I.D." for a "Caller I.Q."

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Dig where the gold is, unless you need the exercise.

For more peace and quiet, how about a phoneless cord?

A shut mouth gathers no foot.

Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.

Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.

Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.

Defeat is worse than death, because you have to live with defeat.

It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.

It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.


The SlumDog EMillionaire(You Don't Need Google)

Friday Night Thoughts

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I love cats. They taste just like chicken.

Sex on television can't hurt you. Unless you fall off.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Make it idiot proof and someone will come up with a better idiot.

Somebody stopped payment on my reality check.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


CopyNProfit. The Ultimate Business Model.

Bits and Pieces

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If I can be of any help, you're in worse shape than I thought.

Somebody figured out we have 35 million laws trying to enforce the 10 commandments.

My wife loves to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said "ok, and you're ugly too".

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

One year they asked me to be the poster boy - for birth control.

My dog can lick anyone!


Need Inspiration? Get It Here!

The Trial

At a trial in a small South Carolina town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, on the Bible, and was asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help her God.

The witness was a proper, well-dressed, elderly lady; the grandmotherly type well-spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your lovely wife, manipulate people, and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you are a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper-pushing shyster.

Yes, I know you quite well." The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backing away, fearing the looks on the Judge and the jurors' faces, not to mention the Court reporter who documented every word, and not knowing what else to do, he pointed at the defense attorney across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the attorney for the defense?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a terrible drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly fainted and sat slumped in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter, mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the Courtroom and the place was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the Judge brought the Courtroom to order and called both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you will go to jail for contempt of Court."


The Magic Of Making Up With Your Partner
Click Here!

Animal Talk

Cowboy: 'That your dog?'

Indian: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'Mind if I speak to him?'

Indian: 'Dog no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'

Dog: 'Doin' all right.'

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: 'Is this Indian your owner?' (Pointing at the Indian)

Dog: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Indian: (look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Indian: 'Horse no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool.'

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing to the Indian)

Horse: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.'

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Indian: 'Sheep lie.'

Watch TV and Movies Online!
Click Here!

A Few Bumper Stickers

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.

If you want world peace, fight for justice.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares.

This is my other car!

And on the eighth day, God went fishing.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas.


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Sunday One-Liners

Do you enjoy the company of others without self-medication?

I'm going out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.

He wasn't a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck and jumping to conclusions.

The trouble with life: you're halfway through before you realize it's a "do it yourself."

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


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Just a few daily thoughts

I used to be egotistical, but now I'm perfect.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure

Friction can be a drag sometimes

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy

And gravity sucks!

He who places head in sand,
will get kicked in the end!

Drilling for oil is boring.


Listen To Your Books. In The Car, In Bed, At The Park

Indian Wisdom

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent to
interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "You have observed the white man for
90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.

You've seen both his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it..."

"No taxes."
"No debt."
"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."
"Medicine man free."
"Women did all the work."
"Men spent all day hunting and fishing."
"All night: have sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that."


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