Bits and Pieces

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If I can be of any help, you're in worse shape than I thought.

Somebody figured out we have 35 million laws trying to enforce the 10 commandments.

My wife loves to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said "ok, and you're ugly too".

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

One year they asked me to be the poster boy - for birth control.

My dog can lick anyone!


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