Bumper Snickers

Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass?

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers

DANGER: I drive like you do!

DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.

DARE to keep the CIA off drugs.

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Death is the consequence of being alive.

Deep down, divers care.

Democrats=Beaureaucrats: STUPID

Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

DETEST-de stuff de teacher gives de students when ya expect it de least!!!

Dewey,Skrewem, & Howe (attorneys at law)

Did you check if your horn works?

Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?

Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.


Learn How To Become A Profitable Tutor!

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~Dave Beard

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. ~Author Unknown

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. ~Author Unknown

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown

You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.
~Mike Myers (Austin Powers: Goldmember)

You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music.
~Jim Carrey


Want To Learn A New Language? It's Easy! Start Right Here!

A Man's Best Friend

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his
deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man
in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
Seductive, and invincible. . .

No, wait . . .! Sorry . . ., I am thinking of beer.
That's what beer does . . .
Never mind.


Gagdets AND Gizmos. And Some Pretty Good Holiday Gift Ideas.

Things I've Learned Not To Do

To all my friends, thank you for sending me your chain letters.

I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found it is good for removing toilet stains.

I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

I have stopped answering the phone for fear they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I will get a bill from Tokyo, Singapore, or the Philipines.

I stopped consuming several foods for fear the estrogens they contain may may contain may turn me gay.

I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because I found out that McDonalds and KFC foods are designed to outlive me.

I also donated all my savings to Amy Bruce, that poor sick girl who was about to die in a hospital about 4,000 times. Funny, that girl has been 7 since 1993.(must be the food from McDonalds)

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their email programs.

And now I am positive this is because of a chain letter I broke, or forgot to follow up on, and received the curse from hell they are always telling you about.


Make Money From Ebay(it's actually very simple)

Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas.
Or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever religious holiday your particular family unit celebrates at this time of year via mass retail purchases
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except Dad, who was stirring his third martini
In a losing effort to remain in a holiday mood
As he attempted to assemble a toy for his 9-year-old son, Bobby

It was a highly complex toy
A toy that Dad did not even begin to grasp the purpose of
A toy that cost more than Dad's first car
A toy that was advertised relentlessly on TV with a little statement in the corner of the TV screen that said "SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED"
Which was like saying that the Titanic sustained "some water damage"
Because this toy had more parts than the Space Shuttle
And speaking of space

Dad was now convinced that extraterrestrial life did indeed exist
Because the assembly instructions were clearly written by beings from another galaxy
And these beings insisted on Phillips screwdrivers
And Dad could not find his Phillips screwdriver
In fact, he was wondering who "Phillips" was
And why he needed a different kind of screwdriver than everybody else
That was the festive holiday thought that Dad was thinking as he took a slug from his martini and attempted to attach Part 3047-b to Part 3047-c
Using a steak knife

But other than that, not a creature was stirring in the house
Although Mom was definitely stirring OUT of the house
Mom was at the Toys "R" Us store
In fact, this was the fifth Toys "R" Us store that Mom had been to that night
In her desperate quest to find the one thing that their 5-year-old daughter, Suzy, wanted this holiday season

It was, of course, a Barbie doll
But not just ANY Barbie doll
It had to be the new model
Abdominals Barbie
The one who came with her own little pink stomach-muscle-exercise device
It was the hottest Barbie doll of all this holiday season
Every girl age 3 through 12 in the entire United States HAD to have it
Or her holiday season would be RUINED
And so of course the Mattel Corporation
Which is run by evil trolls from hell
Had manufactured exactly eight units of this doll
And the very last one in the world was in this particular Toys "R" Us
Which means that the odds were against Mom
Because on this same festive night
Thousands of other frantic parents had converged on this same store
Kind of like the flesh-eating zombies in the movie
Night of the Living Dead
Only less ethical

The store was a war zone
Mom had to fight her way into the doll aisle
Where, wielding a Tonka Truck like a club
She claimed her prize
And then, trailed by a screaming mob of rival parents
She raced from the store, leaped into her car and roared out of the parking lot
Barely missing the Salvation Army person
She raced back to the house, burst through the front door and staggered into the family room
Where she found Dad
Actually she found Dad's feet

The rest of Dad was under the sofa
A strange gurgling sound was coming from down there
Dad, now on his fifth martini
Was trying to strangle the dog
Which, Dad was convinced, had eaten Part 8675-y

And just at that very moment
Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
That Dad let go of the dog
And he and Mom went to the window to see what was the matter
And what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Santa Claus, yelling the names of reindeer
"Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Vixen! Now . . . Umm . . . Now . . . Dancer!"

"He already said Dancer, " observed Dad

"He can't remember them all, " said Mom

"I think one of them is Pluto, " said Dad

"Wasn't Pluto the guy who was always fighting with Popeye?" said Mom

"You're thinking of Bluto, " said Dad

"Now . . . Umm . . . Now Flicka!" said Santa

"Flicka was a horse, that I DO know, " said Mom

"Do you think the reindeer are wrecking the lawn?" said Dad

"They're going up on the roof," said Mom

"The hell they are," said Dad, who had recently spent $875 on shingle repair

But before he could yell at St. Nicholas to stop
Down the chimney the jolly elf came with a plop
He had a broad face and a round little belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly
Which was pretty gross

"What's so funny?" asked Dad
"You two," said St. Nick. "Why are you getting all upset about toys? The holiday season isn't about material possessions!"

"Do you have kids?" asked Mom

"Well, no," said Santa

"Hah," said Mom

"But I am beloved by children the world over," said Santa

"Well," said Dad, "you won't be beloved by our son if I can't assemble this toy"

"What seems to be the problem?" said Santa, coming over to have a look

"I'm stuck on Step 824," said Dad

"Who wrote these instructions?" asked Santa. "Martians?"

"Apparently," said Dad

"I used to be pretty good with tools," said Santa. "Hand me that steak knife"

"Sure," said Dad. "Care for a martini?"

"Heck yes," said Santa
And so he went to work
And after a while Mom and Dad, exhausted, went to bed
Leaving old St. Nick in the family room
He said some pretty unsaintly words
But he eventually got Bobby's toy assembled
And although he spent so much time that he was unable to visit the rest of the little boys and girls in North America
Not to mention South America, Europe, Asia and Africa
This particular household had a very happy Christmas morning indeed
When Suzy came downstairs and saw Abdominals Barbie
And Bobby came downstairs and saw his incredibly complex toy
Which he broke in under four minutes
A new holiday record
But it was still a festive day
Especially when Mom and Dad told the fantastic story of their late-night visitor
Which, at first, the kids did not believe
In fact, even Mom and Dad were not 100 percent sure it had happened
Until Dad got out the ladder

And one by one they climbed up to the roof
And there they saw it . . .
As real as life . . .
A Holiday Miracle . . .
Reindeer poop.

(And $1,097.36 worth of shingle damage.)


Wouldn't It Be MUCH Easier To Clean Snow Off The Roof With A Snow Rake? Need One? Get It Here!

Please Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us!!

Now this one is just too Precious......

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know
we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How
soon do you need to know?'


The Underground Sprinkler Blog

Bits

Need help in staying positive?

Try tossing water balloons at passing turtles.

Bunjee jump out of hot air balloons.

Take midnight strolls through the woods to trip unsuspecting raccoons.

Tease a goat and see who wins.

Use a heat gun on the neighbors snowman so he doesn't feel the frostbite.

Write "I love you" with invisible ink on your favorite neighbors cat.

Shine your spotlight on the Man In The Moon, and just tell your neighbors you are returning the favor.

Annoy the kids in the car next to you at the stoplight by playing their favorite tunes and turning your radio down so they almost can't hear it.

Signs

Sign on a plumbers truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

Sign on a plumbers truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

Sign in fire station: This is non-smoking area. If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

Sign on plastic surgeon's office door: We can help you pick your nose.

Sign on electrician's truck: Let us help you remove your shorts.

Sign on radiator shop: Best place to take a leak.

Sign on pet store door: Buy one dog; get one flea.

Learning To Pay Attention

First year med students were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body, which was covered by a white sheet.

The professor started the class by saying:
"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, suck his finger into the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said:
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."


Find Inspirational Quotes Here

Negative Attitudes

Getting up in the morning ruins my day.

Death on the job will not be tolerated.

Have a nice day, but don't flaunt it.

The photo on your ID badge is even worse than your drivers license.

Any day that starts with commuting and ends with commuting sucks.

Absence makes the boss grow madder.

In my case JOB is not a word, but a very long sentence.

Tomorrow is another day, and boy, do I hope it's better than this one.


Need A New Car? Check This Out!

Great Quotes By Great Ladies!

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened ~ Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between 10 and 70 ~ Helen Hayes, at 73

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows ~ Janette Barber

When women get depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country ~ Elayne Booster

Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman ~ Maryanne Pearson

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

The Laws Of Cartoon Physics

Cartoon Law I.

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
aware of its situation.

~ Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle
of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II.

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
suddenly intervenes.

~ Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III.

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.

~ Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV.

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

~ Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture
it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V.

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

~ Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or
the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is
running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI.

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

~ This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the
cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This
effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or
being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-
replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off
walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII.

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
tunnel entrances; others cannot.

~ This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but
at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a
wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue
him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened
against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.
This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII.

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

~ Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional
nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated,
spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled,
but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking
self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX.

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

~ This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
applies to the physical world at large. For that reason,
we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.


If You Are Going Camping, You May Need A Camp Axe. Get One Here!

Quotes For Thought

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
— Oscar Levant

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
— Mark Twain

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

"Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry."
— Terry Pratchett (Thief of Time)

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
— Groucho Marx

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."
— Orson Welles

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
— George Burns


SelfGrowth.Com. The Name Says It All.

Office Terms

Boss spelled backwards is a double SOB.

Businessman's lunch is something to hold down a couple of martinis.

Paying peanuts means you get monkeys.

Golf is simply an excuse to have the flu.

Office snoop is simply an automatic teller.

Motivators are cheerleaders in sweater vests.

*****If you aren't feeling guilty you must be an overachiever*****

Enhance Your Yard With Commercial Quality Low Voltage Lighting!

Zoo Job

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"


Winter Is Coming. Do You Need A WoodStove?

Murphy's Law Of Combat Operations

1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When they're ready.
b. When you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'.
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
116. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
117. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
118. Mine fields are not neutral.
119. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
120. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
121. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.
122. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it.
123. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.
124. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
125. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
126. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. (or "on order")
127. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
128. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring,
he has fallen back too far.
129. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
130. If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.
131. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
132. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
133. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don't.
134. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
135. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
136. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
137 When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be to long
138 Smart bombs have bad days too.
139 Uncrating and assembly instructions are always inside the crate.
140 If you have a personality conflict with your superior: he has the personality, you have the conflict.
141 If you enter the CO's Presence with an idea, you will leave his Presence with the CO's idea.

Stupid state laws

Alabama
In Jasper, it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
It is illegal to play Dominos on Sunday.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

Alaska
In Fairbanks, it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
While it is legal to shoot bears, waking sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

Arizona
In Tucson, it is illegal for women to wear pants.
In Globe, it is illegal to play cards in the street with a Native American.
In Glendale, it is illegal to drive a car in reverse.
In Nogales, it is illegal to wear suspenders.

Arkansas
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
In Fayetteville, it is illegal to kill "any living creature".
Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-Day jail term.

Getting To Know Your Spouse

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

We The People

Thoughts From Mr George Burns

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty five I still had pimples.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Quotes For Thought

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
— Oscar Levant

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
— Mark Twain

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
— Albert Einstein

"Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry."
— Terry Pratchett (Thief of Time)

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
— Groucho Marx

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."
— Orson Welles

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
— George Burns

The Economy Is So Bad That.......

The economy is so bad that:


•I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

•African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

•I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

•CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

•Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

•My ATM gave me an IOU!

•A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

•I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife,

•I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

•If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

•McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

•Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

•Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

•My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

•A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

•Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

•A picture is now only worth 235 words.

•They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street ."

•When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

•The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

•Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

•And, finally...... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...


Learn How To Change Your Life Around. Visit here.
To Make The Change, Click Here.

Why Teachers Drink......

Explain why phosphorous tri-chloride is polar.
God made it that way

What type of attractive force or bond holds the sodium ions and chloride ions together in a crystal of sodium chloride?
James Bond

Briefly explain what hard water is.
Ice

What's a nitrate?
Much cheaper than a day rate

What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Unused names

Name one of the early Romans greatest achievements.
Learning to speak latin

Name six animals which specifically live in the Artic.
Two polar bears and four seals

Name the wife of Orpheus, who he attempted to save from the underworld.
Mrs Orpheus

What happens during puberty to a boy?
He says goodbye to his childhood. Enters adultery.

Steve is driving his car. He is travelling at 60 feet per second, and the speed limit is 40 miles per hour. Is Steve speeding?
He could find out by checking his speedometer

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. Janie, do you have a story to share?



''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.



''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story? "

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."


Pellet BBQ's. Once You've Eaten Food Cooked On These, You Don't Want Anything Else!

Dating Tips

These are pick-up lines some women said were actually said to them......


Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

Are you busy tonight at 2:00 A.M.?

Are you lost ma'am? Heaven is a long way from here.

Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call your mother and thank her.

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

Fathers Day

I have mixed emotions when I receive Fathers Day gifts. I'm very happy my kids remember me, but do they really think I actually dress that way????

I went into a library the other day, and because I didn't have a lot of time, I stopped and asked the librarian where the "Self Help" section was. She replied that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Did you know that the guy that invented the Marconi radio telegraph system was named Guglielmo Marconi? I don’t know Italian very well but I’m pretty sure that’s pronounced “Googley – Elmo”. I cannot say this name out loud without laughing. I bet whoever presented his Nobel Prize had to practice saying his name for like a week before he could say it without cracking up.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


14,000 Woodworking Plans With Step-by-step Instructions, Photos And Diagrams To Make Every Project Laughably Easy

Husband and Wife

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset.
She told him "tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday!

"Top Ten Signs You Are 'Burned Out' Because of Work"

1. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
2. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
3. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
5. You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.
6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
7. You sleep more at work than at home.
8. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
9. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.


Beyond Manifestation, With Joe Vitale

A Bit Of Judo

Two guys were in a dojo when a mad dog came flying in and attacked the smaller guy. The larger guy grabbed a belt and strangled the dog. A news reporter standing by said, "You're a hero!" He wrote in his notebook the heading "Judo Hero Saves Friend from Savage Dog!"

The guy saw the note and said "I am not a Judo player."

"OK," replied the reporter and he wrote down "Ju Jitsu Hero Saves Friend from Savage Dog!"

The guy replied, "Sorry, but I do Karate."

"OK," said the reporter, then wrote down "Savage Kills Family Pet!!"

Why be difficult, when with just a litle bit of effort, you can be impossible?

I love animals. They taste great!

Great minds think like me.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

If most people said what they were thinking, they would be speechless.

I want to live forever. So far, so good.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left before we met.

My mechanic told me: "I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder".

Actual Odd News Headlines

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $895.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…...also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

The Airport Security Solution

The best ideas are the simple ones......
The Airport Solution
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at
the airports.

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will
detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, there would be none of this
hassle about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and
expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!
This is so simple that it's brilliant.

I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

Larry, The Cable Guy

"Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I
have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that
Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I
disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet
below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a
damn genius".

Tips On How To Intall A Home Security System

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size
14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
& Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a
note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.
Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pitbulls; they
attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up
bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter


Green Energy Products Click Here!

The Interview

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years
before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind
their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are
happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem
happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN


Visit My Inspirational Site Here

What Does It Take To Cross A River?

Three men were hiking through a forest...when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.

Poof!!!

God gave him big arms and strong legs...and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours,having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:

'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof!!!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs...

and he was able to row across in about an hour fter almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men,the third man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof!!!

HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!

She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream...
and walked across the bridge

Guys, if at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!


Words Of Health

Moose Hunters

Two Polish hunters from Cleveland hired a pilot to fly them to Canada
to hunt moose. They bagged four.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot
tells them the plane can take only two moose.

The two Poles objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four
moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as
yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded..

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stanisilaw asked Wladek,
"Any idea where we are?"

Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


Brain Food For Everyone Here

College Cowboy

A young cowboy from Melville, Saskatchewan goes off to college..

Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Regina that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000,' the young cowboy says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $2,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the Blue Sky Café and Tavern?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a b---- before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.


Aromatherapy At Its Finest

The Machine

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLYGIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,
'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.



ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL ANd ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO '..

Teacher's Pet

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a Bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the Teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop And asked, " Champagne ?.

"No," said the little boy.... "It's a puppy."

Songs Of Years Gone By......

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.


They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba---
Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least:

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

Good Thing Medical Professionals Are Human. Humor Is Important.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

' Which one ?'. . . I asked.'

'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted b y Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . ... . . . . . . ..

8.. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.

I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?

'She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . . 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr. wouldn't submit his name...

How To Tell If You're A Secret Redneck Jedi

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

Top 21 things NOT to say to a cop when pulled over

21. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

20. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

19. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

18. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

17. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police
officer.

16. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

15. Bad cop. No donut.

14. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

12. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
mcdonalds.

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around,
that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my
lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out
of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

Curiosity gets the Priest

A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.

The priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom is?"

"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing only a fig leaf."

"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.
The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located.

After a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"

"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"

"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.

"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"

Disorder In The Court

Disorder in the court:

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the difficult job of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
_____________________________________



Keep Healthy. Use Certified Organic Herbs.

A Trip To Costco

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.


Organically Grown Herbs

Sweet Taters

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. These people are called "Spec Taters".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted in finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell other people what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot, too sour, too cold, too weak. These people are called "Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never seem to get around to doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters".

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they're not. They are called "Emma Taters".

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Taters".

Now you know all there is to know about Taters!

Going To The Hospital?

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'

Don't Ever Do This!

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her
and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but
I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's
a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he
says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes
him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and
smiles. "The airbag."

Redneck Humor

A redneck may have worked on your computer if: The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Someone might be using your email account if: Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and you now owe them $71,000 and change.

Did your computer get the Obama virus? Every program gets hacked, your bank account is drained to exhaustion, all your friends think Limbaugh is a superstar, and there is no cure.

You have an internet addiction if: You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading".

You may have bought a bad computer if: The lower corner of the screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

You have an internet addiction if: Your husband tells you he's had the beard for two months.

A redneck may have worked on your computer if: The password was changed to "huntin".

How To Avoid Getting Hired

Your resume is a carefully crafted chronicle of what you've achieved....and how indispensible you'll be to prospective employers. That's what it's supposed to be anyway. This list of real life resume bloopers appeared in Fortune Magazine.....

"I demand a salary commiserate of my extensive experience."

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Reason for leaving last job: Maturity Leave."

"Wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions."(a congressman/woman?)

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah', over my experience."

"You'll want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"I procrastinate, especially when the job is unpleasant."

"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"Finished 8th in my class of ten."

"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."(current/recent u.s. president(s)?)

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

More Bumper Stickers

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy

Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk

Ax Me About Ebonics

Back the badge

Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?

BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!

BARBIE AIN'T HERE!.

Be Human.

Be nice society already sucks.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Be Nice To Your Kids; They’ll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.

Be the kind of friend you'd want.

Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865.

Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.

Beer: making woman look better since 1965.

Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon

Bumper Stickers

Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

All generalizations are false.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.

All stressed out and nobody to choke!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It!

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!

Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

Scores Of Ebook Categories. Sell Them And Profit!

Ways To Confuse, Worry, and Annoy Others In The Computer Lab

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face & scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" & bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you with an evil eye.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

18. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

19. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

20. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

21. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

22. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

23. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

24. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

25. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

26. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

27. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

28. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

29. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

30. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

31. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

32. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

33. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

34. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

35. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

36. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

37. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

38. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

39. Stare at the person's next to your screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

40. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

41. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

42. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

43. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

44. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.



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